Alex 4.5

Kate loves to read the two printed blog books we have. One is from 2008 and the other is from 2009-2010. Alex patiently sits as close as he can to her while she reads each post to him. They giggle together over stories, oohh and aww over cute pictures of a small Charlie and Kate. And every once in a while Alex looks at me with his beautiful face and says, when do my stories start. Tonight Kate read a bunch of posts about all the fun things we used to do and crafts we used to make together. It was a totally different time. I worked way less, didn't have school age children, and didn't homeschool or have sports. Our days were so simple. We baked, took walks, cooked, napped, played, crafted, and took day trips together. I felt sad for Alex tonight. He is resilient and didn't seem too down to realize that I was different back then, that things were different. He made the comment that he wished he was with us then and then he moved on as happy and light as ever.

I can't go back and make my life mirror what it was before. There is too much structure in our days, too many gymnastics practices, hours at the tennis courts, too many drop offs and pick ups, too many hours spent working or teaching. But I can make it my mission to record the stories, activities, and life we lead now. I may not felt or bake my own bread anymore, but every day is filled with fun moments. I'll do my best to post once a week now, so in 5 years Alex can have a better idea what he was like as a four year old. Anyone that knows him, adores him. He is verbose and sweet and incredibly smart. That is not to say it doesn't drive us mad when he chooses to relieve himself in his pants rather than use the potty, that we don't feel upset when he flips us off (we laughed the first 100 times, but now it is getting old!), that we don't despise how much he yells or roll our eyes when he shouts Oh shit! But there is so much more to this wonderful boy. He is artistic, musical, incredibly sweet and smart. He loves everyone so much and we adore him!

Always drawing family portraits and quite great at writing names!

Preschool Pic!

Always loves to be surrounded by his siblings

Always eager to homeschool with Charlie!

Sadie

Perhaps our biggest news of 2015 is the addition of our beloved Sadie. When Lily died Adam and I both agreed our days of being dog owners were over. We felt three kids was enough. We liked the freedom of leaving for the day or night without worrying. We liked the idea of not spending money on dog food and vet bills. But I think mostly we felt like we had owned the best lab, loved the best dog, and didn't feel the need to fill the void. Our kids felt different.

Charlie cried for weeks when Lily died. It was truly tragic for him and every few months we hear him crying again in his room over Lily. Watching Charlie and Lily's love for each other over the past years told me that Charlie really is a dog person. If there is anyone who could/would benefit from loving another dog, I knew it would be my son. He is so sensitive, intense, caring, and at times complicated. The simplicity of the love between a man and his dog was something surely Charlie should have. So a year after we lost Lily we began the search. When we found Sadie our hearts immediately swelled with more love than I have ever felt towards an animal. It makes me smile to think of the hilarious conversation with my best friend Amy the day I called her to tell her we bought a puppy:
Me: Amy, guess what? We bought a puppy! She comes home to us in three weeks!
Amy: Sarah, what?!? You hated having a dog.

I guess you have to know me to appreciate her honest reply. I didn't ever HATE having Lily. But I will admit that my patience and understanding of my four legged friend lessened with each child I brought into this world.

We have now had Sadie for 6 weeks and I can say without a doubt she has enriched our lives like I could have never expected. She is sweet,  loving, calm, silly, and at times spunky. The kids all help and the end of 2015 will forever go down as the best we have had!

mom

It was the longest and worst 6 hours of my life. Hands down. It was a feeling I wouldn't wish upon anyone. The mixture of feeling so lost, so scared. The kind of hurt and heartbreak that physically hits your heart like a dagger. I changed locations in my house nonstop. From couch to chair to floor to other couch. At my darkest minutes I sat on the floor outside of my bedroom. The cold wall cradling my weak body. I tried to stay strong for my eldest son who was home. I tried to continue on with our lessons but the tears wouldn't stop. I waited for them to end, thinking over and over that if I just let it all out, they will dry up. 6 hours of nonstop crying...at times a gentle and steady flow of sadness dripping from the soul of my being, at other times the loud sobbing that no one should have to hear. Charlie did his best to carry on. He played outside giving me space, he tried to continue his schoolwork without me. At one point he saw me laying on the couch and laid directly on top of me. The way he did when he was under one and getting ready for his nap. When the emotions got too hard for him he went into his room. I could hear the silent crying coming from his room.
I reached out to so many people in those 6 hours. Hoping that with each text or call I would feel more support and love and therefore the fear and pain would lessen. Despite being surrounded by loving family and friends, the more I searched for support the more I realized that all the love and support in the world couldn't ease the pain of the possibility of losing my mom.
When I contacted Julia (my mom's best friend and soul sister) she simply stated, "Sarah, what's in your head?" I listed all my fears and feelings. That my mom wouldn't pull through this time. That she is in pain and miserable. That she has a really shitty lot in life.
In those 6 hours I not only imagined what pain I would feel without my mom, but the weight of my dad's sadness took hold of me too. I pictured Josh's wedding day. How he would feel without mom to witness this amazing love and life he has carved out for himself. I imagined the future grandchildren that would never meet the most giving, present, loving, and wise grandmother anyone could ask for. I thought of all the years she would miss.
I want my mom to see Charlie live up to his amazing potential. I want my mom to watch Kate and all of her brilliance and beauty unfold. I want my mom to witness Alex continue to grow into the funny, loving, and sweet young boy he is. I still have so much growing and learning to do. I am not ready to go at it alone.
My mom is the first person I call when I am happy, sad, confused, frustrated, hurt, and excited. I hold on to her every word because it is true gold. She is most generous person I have ever met. She lives her life without judgement. She is entirely selfless. And she is so incredibly smart. Her take on everything from small problems to huge feelings is spot on. She is a fighter. The strongest woman you will ever meet. Given an unfair life yet always making the best of it.
I felt great despair Friday knowing how miserable she was. I knew her time here wasn't up and yet everything seemed to spiral downhill quickly. Darkness over came me. I called my sister and future sister in law hysterically. I contacted some friends out of desperation. My dad's text to us three kids saying that mom is very sick and would like to see all of us that day sparked a panic and pain I have never felt before. Adam immediately came home and just seeing his loving face and having his strong arms hug me gave me the strength to calm down. My brother and sister picked me up and I am not sure if in fact my tears finally did run out, or Josh and Kate gave me strength, or knowing that I would soon see my mom helped me dig deep and pull myself together. Maybe it was a combination of it all. For the first time all day I felt a bit of relief.
I spent maybe 7 minutes by my mom's side. She managed to get out a few sentences but it was clear she needed to sleep. I didn't tell her all the things I wanted to and will forever be grateful that I still have that chance. Her vitals stabilized, the meds did their job, and she pulled through. Again. We continue to be amazed at her strength, drive to survive, and ability to endure.
So mom I want you to know that I look back over 36 years of being your daughter and feel like every moment of every day has been a gift. You have showered me with  unconditional love, humor, compassion, companionship, and guidance as a kid, teenager, young adult, and now as a mother. From you I have learned that empathy and honesty are imperative to living a life full of compassion and love. I have learned that life isn't always fair but that we have a choice to still live it to its fullest, to make the most of hard situations. You have taught me to truly savor every moment with my children. You have been my sounding board through 3 children and 8 years. You have showed me by example how to be a loving and devoting wife, a caring and gentle mom, and a true friend. I have watched you stand beside all of us during our darker moments, never giving up on our pursuit of happiness, never questioning our ability to be healthy and happy. I have watched you know and love each of my beautiful children. I see the way your face lights up when they enter the room. You really are their biggest fan. I love how you love their bad behavior and see it as cute, yet stand by me firmly when they cross the line. I love how much you love Adam. I have said this before, you are the matriarch of our amazing family. You are our sun, our rock, our anchor.
Thank you mom for once again not giving up. We aren't done loving you, needing you, learning from you. We have things we want to show you. More nights at smith, more soccer games, more family dinners in your backyard. We have weddings and births. We will surely have dark times ahead of us too. We will need your guiding love, your endless support, and your humor to get us through. We have so much more life to share with you. So thank you for fighting as hard as you did. And please continue to do so. We love you more than I think you even know. You are our everything.

Omi's

My dear friend Tanja's mom lives on top of a hill in warm Santa Rosa. She built this house for entertaining and that is just what she does when we are lucky enough to go there. I was fortunate enough to go 3-4 times late spring and early summer. It is truly like a mini resort. The kids swim their hearts out, the moms play dice and cards, eat cheese, drink wine, read, and catch up on every little thing in our lives.

There is always a different combo of kids up there and one of my most favorite parts is watching the kids interact. They create games in and out of the water and we are always blessed with a show they perform in the evenings.

Bear Valley 2014

A huge part of life is generosity. Our family was able to spend a wonderful three days at a very cool cabin nestled in snow due to a friend's generosity. We are still getting to know this family but I have respected them from afar for years. In fact in just a few minutes we are walking over to have dinner at their house, a big step in the friendship direction. They not only trusted us with their cabin, but with their snowmobiles. Yes, snowmobiles. The roads all around the cabin are closed all winter. You pack all your food and clothes in and you basically don't leave until it is time to go. You can ski to a shuttle that takes you to the local ski resort and you can take a run directly back to the cabin. But with three small kids and a tight budget we decided to hold off on exposing our kids to the wonderful world of ski resorts. Of course by the end of the 3 days Charlie had taught himself to ski and did quite well. I love that he learned on a hill behind the cabin the "old fashion way". Looking back the trip was a highlight of the winter season for sure. But that does not mean every moment was easy. Kate discovered she hated being cold, which was hilarious since it was 60-70 degrees while we were there. However, they got a few feet of new snow in the previous week so every step we took we sank to our thighs and she wasn't properly equipped with the right boots and pants, so it was understandable. Still to witness our normally delightful and agreeable daughter whine and cry all day...SUCKED BIG TIME. Charlie and Alex played for hours together in the snow while I read and cuddled Kate inside. We are a busy family full of work, sports, and playdates. Our family time is few and far between. It felt great to come together in one cabin for three days. No work, no computers, no trips to the store or soccer field. Just us. My definition of a vacation. Generosity really can make someone's world go around. I try to focus on being grateful when I receive it and try harder daily to give it. To be generous to a sibling, a kid, a stranger, a dog. To give with the sole intent to give someone something they didn't have before...a smile, food, time. In this case my new friends generosity gave our family the time and space to reconnect. That is really all I can ask for in this busy life where my kids are growing up way too fast right in front of me.

                                                       

Alex was all about the snow and actually enjoyed the process of suiting up

                                                   
                           

                                Kate, not so much. She preferred to stay inside reading and drawing

The three boys enjoying sledding together

Alex stayed outside for hours at a time "working" on the snow, most of the time with a ski pole in hand.

It was nice to eat all three meals everyday together. I knew my kids ate a lot and I packed a few bags full of groceries, but the last two meals were just tortillas and butter. These kids ate more than we did!

Our happy go lucky boy!

Kate and Charlie found a secret spy door in the loft and loved sneaking up on us

                                   The second day we were there Adam made a pretty nice sledding run

                           We finished off each evening with a family hot tub which led into some pretty epic hold your breath under the water competitions. Kate took the gold, hence her face in this picture

                          It is so cool to now have two readers in the family. When the kids got tired of playing outside they read together. So cute!

This picture shows what we were dealing with. A tired, sad, and cold girl in the snow.

                                            Like every year Adam built a snowman while the boys looked with admiration.

Charlie taught himself to ski on the hill behind the house. It was great to watch his progression

The Berkawood Boys

More family reading, never gets old

Alex riding on the snow motorcycle as he called it

What a great trip!

One Mama's Thought

It was so long ago I started this blog and named it ya basta. Enough. I think I had two young kids and was temporarily not working. mothering, that is what I was doing. a newborn and a 19 month old....harder work than most jobs indeed.
And here I am nestled next to my almost 8 year old talking about leopards in Africa with Adam and wondering what direction our education journey will soon take. Let me start by saying I am a huge proponent of public education. The playing field is so incredibly unfair. If you have a grand or two extra a month you pay be able to get smaller class sizes, more science and PE, more art. Everyone else is left with schools that struggle to pay for one science class a month. Teachers are saints in my book doing their very best with very little. I dreamed about sending my children to a  neighborhood school. I dreamed about being part of a school community, and like many moms of multiple children I dreamed of the day all three of my kids would be in school...at the same school...together. And I would have time, actual time to do my job and do it well. To exercise, clean, cook, run errands and then embrace my children after school. Grounded and happy and prepared.
But we have hit a hiccup in our journey. Charlie is not happy at school. And you can only be as happy as your least happy child. We cannot afford a private school and I am not sure that is his answer. As a credentialed teacher who works with 16 homeschooling families, it is quite obvious that I need to explore this option.
And so I am. Thinking daily about how that would look, how our (my) life would change. Looking at what a day would look like for Charlie.....
A mother's world. Constantly reflective.

Welcoming 2014 with open arms

I can't think of a more fantastic way to welcome 2014 than to have my longtime bestie, Amy and her adorable 2 year old son come visit for 10 days. Yes, 10 days! First of all I will say that I am very grateful she planned her trip for 10 days since the day she arrived one of my kids started puking. Every two days or so another one of us fell victim. It is easy to look back and see the humor in it all. As soon as it appeared everyone was healthy we would schlep her clothes, stroller, and stuff back to my house from her parents. Then within a day another victim would fall and we would have to send her back to her parents. I cried the first night she left. I felt like I had waited for years for this visit and saw it slipping through my hands. My mom and Amy quickly assured me that with such a long visit we can afford to lose a few days.
Once everyone was healthy we were set to go. There are some things in life that I have learned truly bring out your true colors. I lead a very busy life full of cleaning, cooking, working, and socializing. Oh yeh and parenting. All mothers of young children lead lives that are masked by to do lists, pick ups, drop offs...we manage conflicts, learn quickly to drop everything an engage in a friendly conversation at a grocery store. It is easy to lose sight of who you really are outside of these roles we put ourselves in. I have found that I am truly myself when I am camping, traveling, backpacking, and around the family I grew up in. I try to be myself around the family I have created, and I am sure I succeed at that but the factors of stress and kid drama blanket the true me more often than I care to admit.
However, the one thing I took away from my 6-7 days with Amy, one of my closest friends on the Earth...the one thing I felt every second of every day from the moment I saw and embraced her and her son to the moment I sent them away to the moment I welcome them back (and 2 more times just the same) was that even though 10 years had passed since we parted ways, our friendship hadn't lost a beat. I felt more myself with Amy and Cedar living with me than I have in years. It took me by surprise and I only could take it as a huge compliment to our friendship, to our current status as individuals, to the men we picked for ourselves, and to the beautiful and wonderful children we brought into our world.
To be able to have adventures as well as common moments of monitoring playing, prepping meals, changing diapers, navigating nap times...to be able to connect like we did in our college years. sip tea and chat about everything from old boyfriends, to old trips, from memories made 10 years ago to ones made 5 years ago to hilarious moments from just the day before,  from parenting struggles and strategies...that is a true gift.

I have come to realize that life is about creating memories. It is about seizing the day with your loved ones. It is about planning trips and watching them unfold. I truly hope Amy's trip out here to stay with me is an annual one. However, now it is my turn to live with her. As I have a job and three young kids I could only squeak out 5 days. Well, 5 nights, 6 days. My first trip with my daughter to meet Amy's new baby, River, who was born just yesterday. Our hearts are full of joy and gratitude  to have this opportunity.

I really love seeing this amazing woman in the seat next to me. Reminds me of our old days following phish or looking for our backpacking spot:

                                          Gorgeous weather allowed us to spend a lot of our day outside

Tide pool exploring.....kind of 

Such a beautiful momma and her ever so sweet boy

These boys did great together. Thanks mom for the matching bunnies. So cute!

We sent the bigs kids to school on Friday and enjoyed a wonderful few hours at Discovery Museum with just our two year olds!

And Kate was eager to spend every moment she could doting over Cedar

Thank you Amy for taking time out of your life to join mine. I am counting down the hours until we get to live communally again, even if just for 5 days. Love you and your boys!