The final countdown

I have a few different due dates, so it is not clear to me how much longer I have to go. Not that it matters at all, because this berkowitz baby will make its deput when he/she is ready and willing. I have around 2 months and last night for the first time this entire pregnancy I started to worry. I feel so big this time, the baby is so low. I feel uncomfortable. I don't think I felt the glow or energy I did with the last two pregnancies. Maybe it is a combination of working more than I have in 5 years, packing, moving, unpacking, and entertaining two energetic kids. I have always felt and said that I think having a newborn will be easier than being pregnant.
About a week ago Adam and I had an evening from hell. I was finished with tutoring early and looking forward to a night at home with my family. I tutor 4 evenings a week, and Adam tries to play tennis a few evenings a week so nights where we are all home together for dinner and bedtime are few and far between. Charlie and Kate were absolute messes. Crying, yelling, fighting. It was one of those times where everyone (including the parents) needed to just go to sleep and hit the restart button the next morning. After the kids fell asleep Adam looked at me and said, "How are you going to do this with a newborn?" He said in gently, with caring eyes. And I snapped at him
"I don't know ADAM. But I will be able to exercise, I won't feel huge and uncomfortable with a painful hernia. I will be able to have a glass or two of wine to help calm me after a chaotic day."
It sounded convincing to both of us. But last night I felt less convinced.
I am great with newborns. Or at least the two I have had so far. We were like one, and most things were relatively easy because we ate, slept, played, walked as one.
This time will be different. I will have two active kids that will need to be shuffled to school, sports, preschool. I will continue tutoring and teaching.
And I would by lying if I told you I know that I can handle it all. And still be patient, fun, loving, mellow.
I had a few rough weeks with Charlie lately. Somehow I was able to step back, consult some of my favorite books, talk to other moms (including my own), and once again re-vamp my approach to parenting.
The past week has been so much better.
I am going to take deep breaths before I respond. The louder my kids get, the quieter I will become. Firm, consistent, yet loving. Most importantly I am validating their feelings. Listening more than talking. smiling more than crying. And when all else fails I am going outside.
Yesterday we took a 1.5 hour walk around our neighborhood. We wondered the back parts of Montara, looking at trees, holding hands, looking at banana slugs, appreciating the huge heart shaped white flowers, studying each house, stopping to swing on every tree swing, and discussing random things. I felt in control. I felt in awe of my beautiful children and the way they played in the puddles, created things with sticks, and asked questions about the way the world works. I felt calm as the wind blew away my worries. I reconnected with my children and myself.
I think that is how I made it through having two kids so close together. Everyday I packed Kate up in a sling or ergo and went outside with Charlie. I felt more at ease and in control in the open world than I did at home.
I hope it works this time around too.