This is how I am doing

Everywhere I go people ask how I am doing. At the store, schools I work at, friends, strangers, family members. I love the community I live in. I love that people truly care about me. I smile and say good, and lately those that know me best chuckle and say, "I don't believe you".
The truth is I feel so many things.
I feel incredibly excited to meet our little baby. To hold, snuggle, juggle, nurse a new being.
I feel anxious about the birth, more so than the last two times. I guess I know what I am getting into, very long labors with posterior babies and a very stubborn attitude that fights pain meds until I can't stand it any longer.
I feel overwhelmed, overworked, all the while with less energy and motivation than ever.
I feel pressure to tutor and teach as much as possible in the next 6 weeks so I can take a few months off and not spend it worrying about money.
I feel a bit nervous that I will go into labor soon and let down the students I have worked so hard with all year long.
I feel worried about how my parents and Adam will be able to take care of 3 kids including a newborn when I start working again in the fall.
Oddly, I don't worry how I will cope with two busy kids and a baby. That seems fairly easy compared to being pregnant, working, and being a mom.
The baby is very low and I am feeling like I may not make it to 40 weeks. I hope I am wrong, but it feels different this time. Of course the baby would be fine to be born even today, but I don't know where my newborn clothes are. They aren't washed or organized, no diapers are ready. I am not ready. And that nesting thing that other moms talk about, I don't have it and don't see it coming to me.
I feel emotional, irritable, and less patient than ever. And yet I have these children that constantly want to play games, go for walks, go to the harbor, eat, eat, eat, eat.
And I have a chest cold that is painful and annoying. And every time I cough my hernia acts up.
So there it is. This is how I am feeling most every second all day long.
Thankfully the thing I feel most is very in love with this baby that never stops moving inside of me. I don't know the gender or the name, but those details are insignificant. This baby is loved by all of us already. And one very big thing that helps me get through these last few months is the anticipation of meeting the baby face to face. Of bringing the itty bitty to my chest, giving him/her my first kiss...of watching Charlie and Kate interact, of watching him/her sleep on Adam's chest. Those are the visions that make all these other feelings easier to deal with.
Once in a while I remind myself to embrace it, own it. This time is so short, the time a mother grows a child. And before you know it I will be raising another sweet, creative, wonderful child. So it is worth it, just felt the urge to answer the question I get day after day in a more truthful manner.
It could be said that I am a bit of a mess on the inside. I hold it together. My kids eat healthy homemade food, they spend hours outside running around. I get them to swimming, preschool, playdates. I tutor and teach mostly with a smile on my face. But truthfully on the inside I am frazzled, spread too thin, less stable and strong than ever. Somehow I feel like giving birth and having a baby on the outside will help me slow down. My days won't be so divided between work and family. My day will be dedicated to my children. That sounds divine.