still alive and kicking

Our power cord to our mac went out about three weeks ago, so we have been more or less unplugged. We dug out our ipad and plugged that in for the first time in 5 months, but other than the late night quick check of emails and facebook, we as a family have been unplugged while at home, and I have liked it.
Alex is now 2 months and chubby chubby as Charlie calls him. He smiles, laughs, coos, and seems to be a happy little lad. Kate and Charlie enjoy him to no end. We are often asking Kate to cool it on the "petting" of Alex's head, but other than that there have really been no problems. The big kids adore the baby and I am pretty sure that Alex saves his biggest and best smiles for his big bro.
We have our cloth diapers up and running and it is going great. I am forever grateful for the friends and family that replenished our stock of our beloved bumgenius diapers.
I am also proud to report that Kate has been fever free for something like 2 weeks and although she ended up with quite a cold about a week ago I am hopeful that her 5 different viruses in 8 weeks is coming to an end.
As of me, I am always realizing things: good and bad. I had a pivotal night about a week or so ago when I realized that I wasn't that happy, and I wasn't being the patient, fun, loving, present mom that I wanted to be. Just coming to terms with this fact helped in huge ways. Shortly after that I realized that in the end of August things will all change. Charlie will be at kinder 4 hours everyday and Kate will be in preschool 3 hours 3 days a week. On top of that I will be teaching all day Saturdays and tutoring about 10 hours during the week. While I look forward to breaks from the big kids in the mornings, and reuniting with my students....I am a bit sad that my work schedule is exactly opposite than my kids' school schedules. Infact it breaks my heart. But we do what we must, and make the best of the time we share.
I also had a rough week in the past month. Every once in a while I question the way I parent. Something small happens in my life, and my mind spins. To make a long few days short I tried the authority hat on. Feeling stretched thin, tired, and without exercise I spent a few days yelling, trying time-outs with my kids (something for good reason I have never done), I even tried punishments and rewards. And while throwing out the term "Charlie if you don't listen I will take away privileges" actually worked in the moment....I realized quickly that I didn't even know what privileges I was taking away. And I hated who I was, and what I was teaching my children. I want them to behave in a certain way not out of fear or the promise of something special. I want them to listen and respect each other because of their intrinsic motivation to live in harmony with one another. I want all of our needs to be met. I want us to make mistakes together and learn from them. I want all of us to become problem-solvers, and while it is true that Adam and I are the parents and therefore mainly in charge... we believe that our children have opinions that matter, should have a say in solutions, and are valued for the wonderful individuals that they are. And we have truly been living in harmony, most of the time.
When I sat Charlie down and told him what I was feeling, when I explained that I felt like he wasn't listening to me which was why I was yelling and getting mad, he seemed to really understand. He expressed that he hated getting set to his room, and that he didn't like things to be taken away from him. We saw eye to eye in that conversation. I saw him as this little boy growing up, trying to use his words, express his feelings, learning and it felt right. It isn't perfect by any stretch, and everyday I have moments where I feel angry but now that I am more mindful I can wait before I respond, I can overlook small infractions, and I can think to myself...what do my kids need....what do I want them to take away from this situation... . And I think we are all happier for it.
so that is us. growing and learning one day at a time. enjoying dance parties, playing sports, games, and just savoring the moments we spend together...because come this fall a lot of those moments will not be spent together. Afterall we are all growing up I guess