The sun is shining. The mountain resting so calmly in the background of my life. The ocean seemed so inviting this morning. As I drove up the coast I studied every gentle wave wash upon the shore that is my home. My heart felt full of love. and fear. For today my mom goes under general anesthesia and has her first of three lung procedures. We truly hope that this will be the beginning of a better life for her and therefore us all.
We have not touched my mom since December. We no longer drop by her house, my dad no longer watches Alex. We have tightened our bubble, something Berkowitzes don't do. And we have done it all for today. The kids don't snuggle in her nook. I don't hug her and we barely see each other except for at sports events outside. We have kept her safe from viruses in hopes that her body will grow strong enough to endure this procedure. The past few years have been harder than any of my life. 5 actually. I have brought babies into this world and then sat alone holding those babies while my mom was fighting for her life in a hospital. I have spent hours and hours curled up crying in bed after receiving terrible news. My mind has been battling the beauty of life and the unfairness of a wonderful woman robbed of her health.
So today......I walk around with the hope that tomorrow will bring a better life for us all. Because living in fear and isolation has taken its toll on all of us.
Charlie marched happily off the school after a fun morning here. Kate and Alex giggle on the deck together. My wonderful world of women have been texting all morning sending their love and best wishes.
I feel surrounded by a community who knows me, loves me, and cares ever so deeply about my mom.
I have a husband I grow deeper and deeper connected to with each passing day.
I have siblings close by whom I cherish, adore, and look up to.
I have a dad who brings me more calmness, wisdom, and love than I can put in words.
I have a mom whose strength, courage, will to survive, and unconditional love is inspirational to us all.
I have a calmness about me today. Because I know that everything we have sacrificed. Every sleepless night. Every struggle for life. Every hospitalization visit. Every trip to the ER. Every fear will begin to be put to rest.
Today I will cherish every smile, laugh, silly moment with my children. That will be my saving grace.