Mama Circle

For over three years I have been part of an incredible small gathering of women. We meet every other week and have created a warm, inviting ritual to share our inner selves with each other.
We have passed around the magic wooden egg, started off with poems or passages, moments of silence. We have shared chocolate, cookies, tea, and sometimes wine or a beer.
We have watched our bodies grow and change through pregnancies and births.
We have listened to each other's biggest fears and most trivial annoyances.
We have cried and laughed and cried and laughed some more.
We call it mama circle and it proves to be more empowering every time.
I consider myself a rather simple person. I want health and happiness for all. I want my house clean, my meals local and organic, my children well-balanced and happy. I want my mom to be healthy, my brother to be happy, and my husband to be doing what he loves best.
For years I have listened to each woman share (we generally get 9 minutes to talk and 4 minutes of feedback) and time and time again have been inspired by everyone's deepest thoughts.
Each woman brings a unique and powerful presence. The feedback is more valuable that you can imagine. Each mother gets genuine, creative, and heartfelt feedback. From all different angles.
One mama from the group recently sent us all this incredible article about misplaced anger. I read it late one night in bed and something woke up so deep inside of me.
My frustration with my kids or my mood spiraling downward out of what seems like nowehere stems from 2 concerns. 2 areas of deep pain and worry. 2 areas of anger.
It took me three years of meeting up to twice monthly to bring to the meeting something deeper than the symptoms. And it felt good. really good.
I am learning everyday. How to identify my fears or reactions regarding these 2 separate roots of anger. When I snap at my children, lose my patience, feel ungrounded or unhappy I can almost always tie it back to one of two core reasons.
And I knew the experience or fear of loss would be my biggest life obstacle.
I knew it would present a lifetime challenge for me. Before the age of 5 I had two times I remember crying my heart out. One was when I realized the care bears weren't real. I had invested so much hope and love and faith into bears in the sky working to right all wrongs, able to cure all sadness with the love of a care bear stare. I wonder if this truth, this realization that left me devastated (in the eyes of a 5 year old) is why the idea of religion or faith or a higher being seems impossible. Shortly after or maybe even before this I realized most likely I would outlive my parents. This just about destroyed me and brings me great grief and worry to this day.
Losing a family, any family, feels like a blow directly to the heart. The idea that this life as I know it is ever changing, growing, fleeting...it makes breathing hard.
Every night I get about 30 minutes snuggled up to Charlie alone. He reads his book to me for 15 and then I read Harry Potter to him for 15. It is amazing the small priceless moments that are created when two family members can take time out of their day. Last week he paused in the middle of my reading and said: "Mommy, will I live longer than you?" I said, "Yes, you most likely will. I hope you will. You are younger." Tears welled up in his eyes and he said: "That sucks" and I said: "It sure does honey. But we have a long life of reading to each other and loving each other."
He didn't sit and sob for hours on end (at least that is how I remember it) like I remember doing when I had this realization. But sharing a sacred moment with my son revolving around the same fears I had a young child and even as an adult was sad and very touching.
I feel for those who do not have strong women close by. People who don't have family to fear losing. I am forever grateful that this powerful mama circle was created years ago. That I have friends that know me on deeper levels than I even know myself. I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to process feelings and fears of loss with women who walk along side me through wondrous life.