It feels all too familiar. the tears streaming down my face, filling my cheeks with puddles. The ache in my heart for the ever lasting time lost. I vividly remember sitting down at my dining room table at the time of being a mother of 2 or was it 1. Of holding a letter from my sister in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Adam on the couch...minding his own business. In Amesport. And knowing the hole in my heart when my sister is not near.
And perhaps what hurts more is the loss of time we have when we are in the same town. It is so easy to do. When you find someone that cherishes your kids as if they were her own you gravitate towards reaching out when you need help...with your kids. sacrificing your own needs for a sister soul mate.
We know our closeness reaches new levels when she is gone, and our life line is a letter. in our hand. Held like a key to our hearts.
And the tears tonight flood my soul. 3 months, 90 days as my kids say. Alex will turn 2, Kate will end preschool. Charlie will become a 7 year old. Kate a kinder. I will still be me. but I will have been me without her. Something since December I have accepted.
Very little contact with your family can be weakening to the soul. a text, call, casual 5 second view can be great when no foundation for touch and love and hugs is possible.
I sat around my table tonight and felt so grateful to have the women and their husbands as well as their kids. I had this evening that filled me up in everyway.
And yet when they all left and everyone fell peacefully asleep, my heart started to ache.
I have seen her drift away before, and I know I am bound to see it again. For she has not grounded herself in the goodness of the hmb ground, but instead thrown herself into the learning life provides.
While I sit here sad that my life is too fucking busy for a beer, or a walk, or a talk with my own sister and that time is better spent cleaning, cooking, breathing, surviving....
Because in the end the single room cleaned, meal made, laundry folded, and clean house does not fill the soul with meaningful memories.
I will just keep on keeping on. And try to do better next time. in 3 months. Because as amazing as aunt kate is, for as amazing as the energy she radiates through my children is important....I miss her. I miss little sister kate.
I love you. be safe and come home soon.