I am tired of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I am an open book, and I mean no harm.
Perhaps this is my weakness.
To let people in, to want to be liked, loved, accepted.
and the truth is clear
I am nowhere near perfect.
As I juggle the demands of a a toddler and 5 year old
while I clean and cook and clean and cook
and worry how to guide a talented athletic son to be a well balanced boy
As I work a "full-time" job from home
with kids in and out and in and out of my personal space.
As I walk in a doctor's office
unaware of the assault on my personal beliefs
from a personal friend.
As I say the wrong thing at the wrong time with a big heart
that changes everything.
As a reflective being I know I play my part
with my too big heart....and too big mouth.
I am going to start practicing silence.
And save my powerful words
for those that truly love me.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Back to the Basics
I am on day 3 of the new me, which is really the old me. It is working and fingers crossed I can maintain this sense of calm and peace for days, weeks, months, and years to come. At 9:00 tonight after an incredibly long day. A day where Kate and Alex were with one great friend and then the next while I worked. A day where Charlie went to school then tennis then baseball and didn't land home until 12 hours after he left....Kate finally melted down at bedtime. I am proud to say I maintained my cool. I listened to her feelings of disappointment of not getting books. I validated her feelings. But I held my line. I snuggled her, sang to her, and assured her we will have time tomorrow to read. I didn't yell, grab, feel angry.
Because I am on day 3.
When my kids, mainly the two older ones, melt down.....I am instantly solidifying. I listen. I express concern and understanding. I lower my voice, increase touch. And guess what it works. I used to live this way. For years and years. I am not sure when I changed. Maybe when I had my third. or was it when charlie entered the flipping fours. Or was it when I started working again. Or was it when I lost my web of help from family. Who knows...but more often than not I dealt with stress by yelling and anger. And I am done. hopefully.
My job isn't to dominate. My intention isn't to rule the roost with an iron fist.
It is so much bigger and more important than that. My job is to love. to guide. to model. to be their rock, their sun, their source of unconditional love.
And it is working. Here I come day 4. The trick is I visualize what the triggers are. I act out situations in my head. I lower my voice, take time to respond, seize the quiet moments to explain what attitude, dialogue, and actions aren't ok. I lecture less. I do not threaten, bribe, or use anger or force. I model what I want to see. And its working. well for three days ;)
Because I am on day 3.
When my kids, mainly the two older ones, melt down.....I am instantly solidifying. I listen. I express concern and understanding. I lower my voice, increase touch. And guess what it works. I used to live this way. For years and years. I am not sure when I changed. Maybe when I had my third. or was it when charlie entered the flipping fours. Or was it when I started working again. Or was it when I lost my web of help from family. Who knows...but more often than not I dealt with stress by yelling and anger. And I am done. hopefully.
My job isn't to dominate. My intention isn't to rule the roost with an iron fist.
It is so much bigger and more important than that. My job is to love. to guide. to model. to be their rock, their sun, their source of unconditional love.
And it is working. Here I come day 4. The trick is I visualize what the triggers are. I act out situations in my head. I lower my voice, take time to respond, seize the quiet moments to explain what attitude, dialogue, and actions aren't ok. I lecture less. I do not threaten, bribe, or use anger or force. I model what I want to see. And its working. well for three days ;)
Seder
I am elated to announce that I have fully found my village. When a mom of three can work 6 solid days in a row without a single ounce of family help, you know you have found a community so strong, so amazing, so giving, so loving and so rich in all the important qualities.
Let me back up. I own a small house. We can't afford to update it with well...anything. Although honestly I have recently had the realization (once again) that we are not the kind of people that will ever choose to spend extra money on material things. We spend plenty of money monthly, but we choose to spend it all on local and organic food, nice wine and good beer, shade grown organic coffee, and our kids sports. So I own a small house. And the yards are embarrassing, the furniture a small step away from a disgrace. And as adam likes to point out to random friends of mine...don't look too close at any one area of our house for too long.
I don't have a cleaning lady. I have three small children and a dog. in a small house, have I mentioned that. Adam works, I work. And the moments we aren't working we are out and about in the natural world with our children.
So naturally I almost never invited my amazing friends over for dinner. And yet time and time again I find myself two glasses of wine deep on a Friday afternoon at a friend's house. The kids happy hour playdate outlasted the sun going down, dinnertime and often bedtime. These thoughts raced through my head on my second or third Friday in a row of staying for drinks and dinner at a friend's house. Immediately after I specifically thought: hmmm I wonder when my friends will catch on that I never have anyone over for dinner....my friend's husband turned to me and said: So Sarah are you hosting Passover this year...next week?
I did what any slightly tipsy mom of three who claims to be half Jewish and has a major complex about having couples/families over for dinner...I said a strong and definitive YES.
And so it began.
I had to google Passover. I talked to my "more jewish friends" and started to wrap my brain around what it would look like. four families. 8 adults. 8 children. in my 1000 square foot home. 1/3 of which was my room and therefore off limits. Haggadah. What the F is a Haggadah? I started to search and read them and found them laden religion. fancy that. And not our thing.
After quite a bit of reading and searching I found an amazing humanist Haggadah. It touched upon the meaning of Passover, why certain foods are served, the history. But so much more. It covered not just the struggle of Jews thousands of years ago and throughout modern times, but the struggle for all people to obtain freedom. It mentions poverty, homophobia, racism, war, injustice. It touched upon the importance of NEVER celebrating in the demise of your enemy.
I worried for days about how my friends and their husbands would take reading a 27 page Haggadah.
I prepared food as did my lovely friends. And the evening came together. How could it not? Any tradition, any holiday that asks you to drink 4 cups of wine will turn out fine. The kids came and went. colored, listened, retreated to the playroom and then came in occasionally to drink their cup of sparkling juice as we downed our wine. We laughed and joked. But mostly we read. I could feel the intensity of everyone's thoughts. I reveled in the mindfulness of reading and listening to the struggled the Jews have endured. As the part about the Holocaust was read I felt a great surge of sadness and strength. For my dad's parents came from Poland around 1920 and left behind many family members that lost their lives during the Holocaust. I felt proud to be surrounded by families who all view life more or less through the humanist lens. Families that values humans, their values, their worth. Friends that place their energy on the welfare of all humankind.
And so my Seder came and went. The kids were slightly dumbfounded. I heard comments of being bored. I saw a few confused looks. But their plates were cleaned and their play barely interrupted. The adults ate, drank, thought, talked. Long after the Haggadah was finished I heard bits and pieces of historical and philosophical talk surface.
For me it was a victory in every sense. Inviting 3 other families into my small home. Putting myself out there in a vulnerable way. Introducing a Haggadah I felt so in touch with and at the end of the night getting the overall approval of everyone attending. Maybe even Adam. who was my biggest skeptic.
that was my Seder, with some of my closest friends. We will see what my next Passover brings.
Let me back up. I own a small house. We can't afford to update it with well...anything. Although honestly I have recently had the realization (once again) that we are not the kind of people that will ever choose to spend extra money on material things. We spend plenty of money monthly, but we choose to spend it all on local and organic food, nice wine and good beer, shade grown organic coffee, and our kids sports. So I own a small house. And the yards are embarrassing, the furniture a small step away from a disgrace. And as adam likes to point out to random friends of mine...don't look too close at any one area of our house for too long.
I don't have a cleaning lady. I have three small children and a dog. in a small house, have I mentioned that. Adam works, I work. And the moments we aren't working we are out and about in the natural world with our children.
So naturally I almost never invited my amazing friends over for dinner. And yet time and time again I find myself two glasses of wine deep on a Friday afternoon at a friend's house. The kids happy hour playdate outlasted the sun going down, dinnertime and often bedtime. These thoughts raced through my head on my second or third Friday in a row of staying for drinks and dinner at a friend's house. Immediately after I specifically thought: hmmm I wonder when my friends will catch on that I never have anyone over for dinner....my friend's husband turned to me and said: So Sarah are you hosting Passover this year...next week?
I did what any slightly tipsy mom of three who claims to be half Jewish and has a major complex about having couples/families over for dinner...I said a strong and definitive YES.
And so it began.
I had to google Passover. I talked to my "more jewish friends" and started to wrap my brain around what it would look like. four families. 8 adults. 8 children. in my 1000 square foot home. 1/3 of which was my room and therefore off limits. Haggadah. What the F is a Haggadah? I started to search and read them and found them laden religion. fancy that. And not our thing.
After quite a bit of reading and searching I found an amazing humanist Haggadah. It touched upon the meaning of Passover, why certain foods are served, the history. But so much more. It covered not just the struggle of Jews thousands of years ago and throughout modern times, but the struggle for all people to obtain freedom. It mentions poverty, homophobia, racism, war, injustice. It touched upon the importance of NEVER celebrating in the demise of your enemy.
I worried for days about how my friends and their husbands would take reading a 27 page Haggadah.
I prepared food as did my lovely friends. And the evening came together. How could it not? Any tradition, any holiday that asks you to drink 4 cups of wine will turn out fine. The kids came and went. colored, listened, retreated to the playroom and then came in occasionally to drink their cup of sparkling juice as we downed our wine. We laughed and joked. But mostly we read. I could feel the intensity of everyone's thoughts. I reveled in the mindfulness of reading and listening to the struggled the Jews have endured. As the part about the Holocaust was read I felt a great surge of sadness and strength. For my dad's parents came from Poland around 1920 and left behind many family members that lost their lives during the Holocaust. I felt proud to be surrounded by families who all view life more or less through the humanist lens. Families that values humans, their values, their worth. Friends that place their energy on the welfare of all humankind.
And so my Seder came and went. The kids were slightly dumbfounded. I heard comments of being bored. I saw a few confused looks. But their plates were cleaned and their play barely interrupted. The adults ate, drank, thought, talked. Long after the Haggadah was finished I heard bits and pieces of historical and philosophical talk surface.
For me it was a victory in every sense. Inviting 3 other families into my small home. Putting myself out there in a vulnerable way. Introducing a Haggadah I felt so in touch with and at the end of the night getting the overall approval of everyone attending. Maybe even Adam. who was my biggest skeptic.
that was my Seder, with some of my closest friends. We will see what my next Passover brings.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
It feels all too familiar. the tears streaming down my face, filling my cheeks with puddles. The ache in my heart for the ever lasting time lost. I vividly remember sitting down at my dining room table at the time of being a mother of 2 or was it 1. Of holding a letter from my sister in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Adam on the couch...minding his own business. In Amesport. And knowing the hole in my heart when my sister is not near.
And perhaps what hurts more is the loss of time we have when we are in the same town. It is so easy to do. When you find someone that cherishes your kids as if they were her own you gravitate towards reaching out when you need help...with your kids. sacrificing your own needs for a sister soul mate.
We know our closeness reaches new levels when she is gone, and our life line is a letter. in our hand. Held like a key to our hearts.
And the tears tonight flood my soul. 3 months, 90 days as my kids say. Alex will turn 2, Kate will end preschool. Charlie will become a 7 year old. Kate a kinder. I will still be me. but I will have been me without her. Something since December I have accepted.
Very little contact with your family can be weakening to the soul. a text, call, casual 5 second view can be great when no foundation for touch and love and hugs is possible.
I sat around my table tonight and felt so grateful to have the women and their husbands as well as their kids. I had this evening that filled me up in everyway.
And yet when they all left and everyone fell peacefully asleep, my heart started to ache.
I have seen her drift away before, and I know I am bound to see it again. For she has not grounded herself in the goodness of the hmb ground, but instead thrown herself into the learning life provides.
While I sit here sad that my life is too fucking busy for a beer, or a walk, or a talk with my own sister and that time is better spent cleaning, cooking, breathing, surviving....
Because in the end the single room cleaned, meal made, laundry folded, and clean house does not fill the soul with meaningful memories.
I will just keep on keeping on. And try to do better next time. in 3 months. Because as amazing as aunt kate is, for as amazing as the energy she radiates through my children is important....I miss her. I miss little sister kate.
I love you. be safe and come home soon.
And perhaps what hurts more is the loss of time we have when we are in the same town. It is so easy to do. When you find someone that cherishes your kids as if they were her own you gravitate towards reaching out when you need help...with your kids. sacrificing your own needs for a sister soul mate.
We know our closeness reaches new levels when she is gone, and our life line is a letter. in our hand. Held like a key to our hearts.
And the tears tonight flood my soul. 3 months, 90 days as my kids say. Alex will turn 2, Kate will end preschool. Charlie will become a 7 year old. Kate a kinder. I will still be me. but I will have been me without her. Something since December I have accepted.
Very little contact with your family can be weakening to the soul. a text, call, casual 5 second view can be great when no foundation for touch and love and hugs is possible.
I sat around my table tonight and felt so grateful to have the women and their husbands as well as their kids. I had this evening that filled me up in everyway.
And yet when they all left and everyone fell peacefully asleep, my heart started to ache.
I have seen her drift away before, and I know I am bound to see it again. For she has not grounded herself in the goodness of the hmb ground, but instead thrown herself into the learning life provides.
While I sit here sad that my life is too fucking busy for a beer, or a walk, or a talk with my own sister and that time is better spent cleaning, cooking, breathing, surviving....
Because in the end the single room cleaned, meal made, laundry folded, and clean house does not fill the soul with meaningful memories.
I will just keep on keeping on. And try to do better next time. in 3 months. Because as amazing as aunt kate is, for as amazing as the energy she radiates through my children is important....I miss her. I miss little sister kate.
I love you. be safe and come home soon.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
the calm in the storm.
for the doctors who dedicate their lives to medicine
to the freckled faced girls who bring about awareness
to the siblings who live intertwined lives
to the card tables who bring about laughter
for the boys and their smiles
to the space having a clean closet creates
for questions that become answered
to the light at the end of the tunnel.
for the friends whose hugs, love, and time mean everything
to the mother who survives against all odds
for the family friends far away cradling their babies
to the smile on the mountain's face
from the dog's eager tailing wagging
to the glass of wine at 4 shared with a friend I can call family
to the boy and his new tennis shirt and hat carrying his too big bag onto the courts
to the girl with her perfect body and brown boots strutting her stuff
to the man I married driving up in his too loud truck that makes the kids giddy at the sound
from the nervousness of preparing my first passover dinner
to the excitement of hosting something I consider meaningful in my too small understocked house
for the women who cares so lovingly for my littlest son
to the mom I can call and tell "my every little thing"
from the text today that brightening my day and perspective
to the dad who files my taxes
to the power nap I snuck in
for the community of half moon bay and all of its glorious people
I thank you.
For today is a bright day. One filled with hope and love.
to the freckled faced girls who bring about awareness
to the siblings who live intertwined lives
to the card tables who bring about laughter
for the boys and their smiles
to the space having a clean closet creates
for questions that become answered
to the light at the end of the tunnel.
for the friends whose hugs, love, and time mean everything
to the mother who survives against all odds
for the family friends far away cradling their babies
to the smile on the mountain's face
from the dog's eager tailing wagging
to the glass of wine at 4 shared with a friend I can call family
to the boy and his new tennis shirt and hat carrying his too big bag onto the courts
to the girl with her perfect body and brown boots strutting her stuff
to the man I married driving up in his too loud truck that makes the kids giddy at the sound
from the nervousness of preparing my first passover dinner
to the excitement of hosting something I consider meaningful in my too small understocked house
for the women who cares so lovingly for my littlest son
to the mom I can call and tell "my every little thing"
from the text today that brightening my day and perspective
to the dad who files my taxes
to the power nap I snuck in
for the community of half moon bay and all of its glorious people
I thank you.
For today is a bright day. One filled with hope and love.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The sun is shining. The mountain resting so calmly in the background of my life. The ocean seemed so inviting this morning. As I drove up the coast I studied every gentle wave wash upon the shore that is my home. My heart felt full of love. and fear. For today my mom goes under general anesthesia and has her first of three lung procedures. We truly hope that this will be the beginning of a better life for her and therefore us all.
We have not touched my mom since December. We no longer drop by her house, my dad no longer watches Alex. We have tightened our bubble, something Berkowitzes don't do. And we have done it all for today. The kids don't snuggle in her nook. I don't hug her and we barely see each other except for at sports events outside. We have kept her safe from viruses in hopes that her body will grow strong enough to endure this procedure. The past few years have been harder than any of my life. 5 actually. I have brought babies into this world and then sat alone holding those babies while my mom was fighting for her life in a hospital. I have spent hours and hours curled up crying in bed after receiving terrible news. My mind has been battling the beauty of life and the unfairness of a wonderful woman robbed of her health.
So today......I walk around with the hope that tomorrow will bring a better life for us all. Because living in fear and isolation has taken its toll on all of us.
Charlie marched happily off the school after a fun morning here. Kate and Alex giggle on the deck together. My wonderful world of women have been texting all morning sending their love and best wishes.
I feel surrounded by a community who knows me, loves me, and cares ever so deeply about my mom.
I have a husband I grow deeper and deeper connected to with each passing day.
I have siblings close by whom I cherish, adore, and look up to.
I have a dad who brings me more calmness, wisdom, and love than I can put in words.
I have a mom whose strength, courage, will to survive, and unconditional love is inspirational to us all.
I have a calmness about me today. Because I know that everything we have sacrificed. Every sleepless night. Every struggle for life. Every hospitalization visit. Every trip to the ER. Every fear will begin to be put to rest.
Today I will cherish every smile, laugh, silly moment with my children. That will be my saving grace.
We have not touched my mom since December. We no longer drop by her house, my dad no longer watches Alex. We have tightened our bubble, something Berkowitzes don't do. And we have done it all for today. The kids don't snuggle in her nook. I don't hug her and we barely see each other except for at sports events outside. We have kept her safe from viruses in hopes that her body will grow strong enough to endure this procedure. The past few years have been harder than any of my life. 5 actually. I have brought babies into this world and then sat alone holding those babies while my mom was fighting for her life in a hospital. I have spent hours and hours curled up crying in bed after receiving terrible news. My mind has been battling the beauty of life and the unfairness of a wonderful woman robbed of her health.
So today......I walk around with the hope that tomorrow will bring a better life for us all. Because living in fear and isolation has taken its toll on all of us.
Charlie marched happily off the school after a fun morning here. Kate and Alex giggle on the deck together. My wonderful world of women have been texting all morning sending their love and best wishes.
I feel surrounded by a community who knows me, loves me, and cares ever so deeply about my mom.
I have a husband I grow deeper and deeper connected to with each passing day.
I have siblings close by whom I cherish, adore, and look up to.
I have a dad who brings me more calmness, wisdom, and love than I can put in words.
I have a mom whose strength, courage, will to survive, and unconditional love is inspirational to us all.
I have a calmness about me today. Because I know that everything we have sacrificed. Every sleepless night. Every struggle for life. Every hospitalization visit. Every trip to the ER. Every fear will begin to be put to rest.
Today I will cherish every smile, laugh, silly moment with my children. That will be my saving grace.
Friday, March 15, 2013
me
Has it really been since December 11th that I have posted? I have had requests to put up a post, and brief moments when I have felt inspired to post. But as many things these days urges have come and gone and moments turn to days which turn to weeks and months...and bam 1/4 of a year goes by and no post.
I watch my kids frequently drag the two blog books over to the couch and marvel at the words and ooh and ahh at the pictures and I can't help but to feel bad that Alex doesn't get the same stories and pictures in print as the others. And he is so deserving. So let us start with him.
Going from 2 to 3 kids was a risk and a jump. Here we had 2 beautiful, smart, silly, and amazing kids. One boy. One girl. Why mess with a good thing, right? Adam felt content, happy, full, done. I pushed for one more. hard. for over a year. And now we have Alex. 22 months today.
Alex.
I can sit and soak up every ounce of this child's being. He is charismatic, so incredibly aware, smart, verbal, and just so silly. He walks into the room and with the most cute face will say things like: Hug me baby. Everyone is blown away by his incredibly vocabulary. He talks in long full sentences all the time. He calls himself Allah and has so much to bring to this world. "Allah go outyide, ride bike street" is something we hear often. Or "charlie school. daddy work. Charlie tennis courts". He is the biggest love bug ever. And with every hug, kiss, and squeeze my heart is so aware that he is my last little being. I truly cherish reading to him. I adore playing rollie pollie, tennis, soccer, trains, and just about everything with him. He continues to adore his sister and brother. A few times a week when I am not driving to this sport or that school, when I am not working, or at some extra curricular activity, I witness something so special. Kate takes on this amazing mothering role. She leads Alex from one room to the next. Her voice a notch higher than usual. "No, no, no alex...let's not play in the bathroom, it isn't safe. But we can play trains in my room" She holds his hand often and leads him from one kind of play to the next. A mother in training. Or perhaps a great friend in training.
Charlie adores Alex just as much as the amazing first day home from the hospital. He makes him laugh. Wrestles with him and is very sweet as he lets Alex pin him morning after morning. While Charlie is at school Alex is often found at the glass door saying: "Charlie school. Allah Charlie home." He waits for his big brother everyday.
Charlie
My first boy is growing up. It has honestly been hard the past two years coming to terms with the new role Charlie is playing in our lives. From 3-5 Charlie gave us so much joy and love. He also taught me patience, acceptance, and how to be more flexible. Around 5 we truly realized, or perhaps it was more that he was finally old enough, that sports needed to be his biggest outlet. Once we found this out and embraced it, charlie became a new person....or maybe it was us that changed. And now for the past 1.5 years I have felt like I lost him to sports. But it isn't so. I have gained an entire community from his tennis, soccer, and baseball. And there is no place I would rather be in the world than watching him hit tennis balls or play a baseball or soccer game. This week was early release week. I picked him up every day at 1. His only request was for me to drop him off at the tennis courts to play tennis. Alex often napped in the car for a good hour and I got to watch him move around the courts. We couldn't peel him off the courts until close to 7. I am elated that he has found this passion. I wish I were rich and could give him everything he needs to reach his dreams. But I have missed him. Between school and sports I have rare moments with him. It has been a long week full of thoughts and frustrations over the lack of one on one time with my son. But now that it is Friday night I have come to the realization that playing sports with his buddies is what makes him happy and whole. And so I am happy and whole as well. And I just need to cherish the moments I do get to spend with him.
Kate
She has been quite the delightful 5 year old. She continues to be silly and spunky. She has her moments of crankiness but I have learned to accept it rather than change it. I see parents fight tooth and nail "bad behavior" and it is possible it really works for them. It doesn't for me. What works for me is to constantly "try" to model the right behavior, attitude, and response. I rarely am perfect at this and will never expect a child to do any better than an adult. And when I just accept her moments of feeling off....she comes right around and is so amazingly beautiful and smart and caring. I can just hold her strong adorable body all day long. and do. Some days go by and I find myself cuddled all day with her. cooking together, reading together, laughing over jokes only other adults would grasp. And then days pass where I am working or distracted or she is playing at friends....and I know that that is how life goes. She is growing up too.
Adam
Adam continues to be the love of my life. He is fun to talk to and I truly cherish our evenings together even if I am working and he is watching a surf tournament. We sit side by side and share everything under the sun with each other in between big sets and my reports. He has been playing way more tennis than usual and I love it. He is working his arse off at work and there seems to be no waves for him to enjoy and yet he comes home with a smile and helps with the kids and around the house. I hope in our not to distant future we can have some time to enjoy each others company...perhaps another Yosemite backing trip.
Me.
I think this is something to brag about but for the first time in my 34 years I have said to a few friends after the New Year...that 2013 can suck it. My mom has struggled with her health. She has had too many trips to the ER in an ambulance. Two times ago she was in septic shock, had a central line, and I suffered several hours thinking she wouldn't be ok. There is no worse feeling, I assure you. There have been other things this year that have led me to believe that my luck in life and love and family has turned for the worse. But despite all the pain and unknowns I have realized very important things. I can honestly say I have never felt more close to Adam or more like a team with him. We have worked together in emotional ways and practical ways and I am thankful for that. We are surrounded by friends we consider family that know and love our children. In fact as I type 3 extra kids are here sleeping. Our second sleepover with three of Kate and Charlie's friends. It was amazingly fun and easy. Work is ok. This year has been full of surprises as I work for 16 different families. I look forward to the summer when the work emails calm down and every day and night isn't filled with reports, emails, POs, and correspondence with vendors.
Then...maybe I can blog.
Ok. That is me the past three months. Working. Shuttling one kid or another from school to sport. Trying to keep a clean house and healthy food cooked. All with a smile on my face. And forgiving myself for my more moody moments. Striving and trying to also adapt to my new normal.
I watch my kids frequently drag the two blog books over to the couch and marvel at the words and ooh and ahh at the pictures and I can't help but to feel bad that Alex doesn't get the same stories and pictures in print as the others. And he is so deserving. So let us start with him.
Going from 2 to 3 kids was a risk and a jump. Here we had 2 beautiful, smart, silly, and amazing kids. One boy. One girl. Why mess with a good thing, right? Adam felt content, happy, full, done. I pushed for one more. hard. for over a year. And now we have Alex. 22 months today.
Alex.
I can sit and soak up every ounce of this child's being. He is charismatic, so incredibly aware, smart, verbal, and just so silly. He walks into the room and with the most cute face will say things like: Hug me baby. Everyone is blown away by his incredibly vocabulary. He talks in long full sentences all the time. He calls himself Allah and has so much to bring to this world. "Allah go outyide, ride bike street" is something we hear often. Or "charlie school. daddy work. Charlie tennis courts". He is the biggest love bug ever. And with every hug, kiss, and squeeze my heart is so aware that he is my last little being. I truly cherish reading to him. I adore playing rollie pollie, tennis, soccer, trains, and just about everything with him. He continues to adore his sister and brother. A few times a week when I am not driving to this sport or that school, when I am not working, or at some extra curricular activity, I witness something so special. Kate takes on this amazing mothering role. She leads Alex from one room to the next. Her voice a notch higher than usual. "No, no, no alex...let's not play in the bathroom, it isn't safe. But we can play trains in my room" She holds his hand often and leads him from one kind of play to the next. A mother in training. Or perhaps a great friend in training.
Charlie adores Alex just as much as the amazing first day home from the hospital. He makes him laugh. Wrestles with him and is very sweet as he lets Alex pin him morning after morning. While Charlie is at school Alex is often found at the glass door saying: "Charlie school. Allah Charlie home." He waits for his big brother everyday.
Charlie
My first boy is growing up. It has honestly been hard the past two years coming to terms with the new role Charlie is playing in our lives. From 3-5 Charlie gave us so much joy and love. He also taught me patience, acceptance, and how to be more flexible. Around 5 we truly realized, or perhaps it was more that he was finally old enough, that sports needed to be his biggest outlet. Once we found this out and embraced it, charlie became a new person....or maybe it was us that changed. And now for the past 1.5 years I have felt like I lost him to sports. But it isn't so. I have gained an entire community from his tennis, soccer, and baseball. And there is no place I would rather be in the world than watching him hit tennis balls or play a baseball or soccer game. This week was early release week. I picked him up every day at 1. His only request was for me to drop him off at the tennis courts to play tennis. Alex often napped in the car for a good hour and I got to watch him move around the courts. We couldn't peel him off the courts until close to 7. I am elated that he has found this passion. I wish I were rich and could give him everything he needs to reach his dreams. But I have missed him. Between school and sports I have rare moments with him. It has been a long week full of thoughts and frustrations over the lack of one on one time with my son. But now that it is Friday night I have come to the realization that playing sports with his buddies is what makes him happy and whole. And so I am happy and whole as well. And I just need to cherish the moments I do get to spend with him.
Kate
She has been quite the delightful 5 year old. She continues to be silly and spunky. She has her moments of crankiness but I have learned to accept it rather than change it. I see parents fight tooth and nail "bad behavior" and it is possible it really works for them. It doesn't for me. What works for me is to constantly "try" to model the right behavior, attitude, and response. I rarely am perfect at this and will never expect a child to do any better than an adult. And when I just accept her moments of feeling off....she comes right around and is so amazingly beautiful and smart and caring. I can just hold her strong adorable body all day long. and do. Some days go by and I find myself cuddled all day with her. cooking together, reading together, laughing over jokes only other adults would grasp. And then days pass where I am working or distracted or she is playing at friends....and I know that that is how life goes. She is growing up too.
Adam
Adam continues to be the love of my life. He is fun to talk to and I truly cherish our evenings together even if I am working and he is watching a surf tournament. We sit side by side and share everything under the sun with each other in between big sets and my reports. He has been playing way more tennis than usual and I love it. He is working his arse off at work and there seems to be no waves for him to enjoy and yet he comes home with a smile and helps with the kids and around the house. I hope in our not to distant future we can have some time to enjoy each others company...perhaps another Yosemite backing trip.
Me.
I think this is something to brag about but for the first time in my 34 years I have said to a few friends after the New Year...that 2013 can suck it. My mom has struggled with her health. She has had too many trips to the ER in an ambulance. Two times ago she was in septic shock, had a central line, and I suffered several hours thinking she wouldn't be ok. There is no worse feeling, I assure you. There have been other things this year that have led me to believe that my luck in life and love and family has turned for the worse. But despite all the pain and unknowns I have realized very important things. I can honestly say I have never felt more close to Adam or more like a team with him. We have worked together in emotional ways and practical ways and I am thankful for that. We are surrounded by friends we consider family that know and love our children. In fact as I type 3 extra kids are here sleeping. Our second sleepover with three of Kate and Charlie's friends. It was amazingly fun and easy. Work is ok. This year has been full of surprises as I work for 16 different families. I look forward to the summer when the work emails calm down and every day and night isn't filled with reports, emails, POs, and correspondence with vendors.
Then...maybe I can blog.
Ok. That is me the past three months. Working. Shuttling one kid or another from school to sport. Trying to keep a clean house and healthy food cooked. All with a smile on my face. And forgiving myself for my more moody moments. Striving and trying to also adapt to my new normal.
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