The truth

The truth is I am BRCA 1 positive.
And cancer runs in my family. The real truth is I have three amazing, healthy, beautiful kids that I adore. I have a family that I truly love and enjoy. I have a husband I learn from and love more everyday. I live in the same town I grew up in, and yet discover new amazing places every week. I have a career path that I am content in. I have friends I love as if they were my sisters.
I have a lot to lose. That is the absolute truth.
I remember talking to my mom about this gene mutation. Was it 10 years ago? I remember her bringing up my dad's mom's fight against ovarian cancer in her young 40s. And something about a magazine article about Ashkanazi Jews and cancer. I felt ok, strong in my family, myself and my life.
I remember sitting in the waiting room for the results. The tears in my mom's eyes, the relief in my heart when I found out Kate was negative. I was positive. And I felt ok with that. I knew in that moment that if I had a choice between me or my sister and this cancer gene...that I would of course want it to be me. It is amazing the comfort you get when you love someone with all of your soul.
I was asked to join studies, support groups...yada yada. I had a doctor who I connected with, who ensured me with all of her heart that she would see me through screenings and see that I was ok.
And then she moved across the country and my insurance changed. and life happened.
So 10 years later I am here.
I found an online support group tonight mainly because I am not sure when and what and where and how this all works.
I can say strongly without tears or fears that I will get my ovaries out and possible a double mastectomy.
But I am now 34, almost 35. My family is complete and my clock is ticking. I read thread after thread tonight about women in their early 30s already having these crazy preventative surgeries and it hit home so hard it hurts to breath.
I am hanging on after a full year of working "full-time" with three little kids. I am a stay at home mom tending to all the cooking, cleaning, activities...while also working every evening. I love it but when a random meeting or work related need comes up I panic. Who will watch my kids?
So when I consider the hows and wheres of a preventative surgery the panic returns. Except I have family and friends, and a devoted husband, and a daycare woman I adore....so perhaps the hang up is the actual truth that this is my reality. And honestly it isn't the surgery that scares me. It is the probability of cancer.
Cancer is all around us. We all have family members, friends, community members that we have lost to this disease.
I can't be one of them. I have too much to loose and too much to offer.