backtracking

The end of 2013 went pretty darn well. Our days . The sun was shining, the kids were happy, and the coastside was stunning. We spent many afternoons at beaches, parks, and in friends' yards.

The surf was pretty good too, which made for a happy Adam

This was the second time it's happened since President Lincoln established Thanksgiving in 1863 and it is also the last time it'll happen until the year 79,811. I'll say that again: after this year, Hanukkah and Thanksgiving Day won't overlap for another 77,798 years. So we lived it up. We lit our Menorah nightly. Followed by epic song and dance. It was awesome.

We took advantage of limited family time by racing down the street to our beach. Between work, school, sports, and social fun....having all 5 of us and only us is rare.

We got into the groove of school mornings. I started putting Kate to work in the kitchen. Here she is on pancake duty.

Alex enjoyed the reintroduction of green smoothies to our diet.

And I got to sneak Alex away to the discovery museum while the bigs were in school. This is a place I used to enjoyed almost weekly when Kate was under a year. 

So that was the rest of our November.

Being Thankful

 I have experienced enough heartache and worry this past year, enough to know when it is time to relish in things being great.  I could go on and on about how much emotion my body, mind, and soul has endured this year but instead I would like to document what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that my mother has managed to stay out of the hospital for nearly a year despite a few bad colds.

I am thankful Charlie has found a group of friends he enjoys at school. I am thankful he is thriving with reading and writing.

I am thankful that Alex is potty trained (for the most part minus the whole crapping in his diaper when he wakes up)

I am thankful that Kate loves school and things like building friendships come so easy to hear. I am also thankful to have a badass, athletic, tough, yet silly and sweet daughter.

Happy to have an abundance of friends on the coast that I can swap childcare as well as celebrate birthdays, seasons, life with

Lucky to have a husband who is a great father, open to changes, sympathetic to struggles, and a great freind

Thankful to have friends who like to play Settlers

Thankful to have family eager to watch and hang out with our kids

Thankful to have the resources to pay for things like piano lessons, tennis lessons, gymnastics, and soccer.

Happy my kitchen is repainted.

Thankful that Alex has forged his own place in this world. He really is his own incredibly being and I am forever thankful that my parents share in the delight of just him every Tuesday morning while I work.


Thankful for moments like tonight where my three kids engaged in a great dance party while their soup (that ADAM made) cooled down. Some bears take walks, some families have dance parties.

My life is full of ups and downs like everyones. My car is often a dirty mess. My kids are either jumping of couches, running around the housing, or teasing each other. I constantly worry and stress about the health and happiness of those around me. And it is a daily struggle of mine to feel liked and loved by those around me. I have plenty to worry about. I mourn events and experiences in my life that have caused grief and confusion. I worry about my parents getting older. I stress too much about my house being cleaner. I often feel overwhelmed by the noise and clutter three kids (or 7 when neighbor kids join us) create. But more important than all those feelings of fear, more important that stressing over the small shit, is the joy I give and receive on a daily basis from the amazing kids I am raising, the incredible support system of my parents, and the love and attention my friends provide. This is what I am thankful for this year. For growth, healing, acceptance, courage, and above all health.

Mama Circle

For over three years I have been part of an incredible small gathering of women. We meet every other week and have created a warm, inviting ritual to share our inner selves with each other.
We have passed around the magic wooden egg, started off with poems or passages, moments of silence. We have shared chocolate, cookies, tea, and sometimes wine or a beer.
We have watched our bodies grow and change through pregnancies and births.
We have listened to each other's biggest fears and most trivial annoyances.
We have cried and laughed and cried and laughed some more.
We call it mama circle and it proves to be more empowering every time.
I consider myself a rather simple person. I want health and happiness for all. I want my house clean, my meals local and organic, my children well-balanced and happy. I want my mom to be healthy, my brother to be happy, and my husband to be doing what he loves best.
For years I have listened to each woman share (we generally get 9 minutes to talk and 4 minutes of feedback) and time and time again have been inspired by everyone's deepest thoughts.
Each woman brings a unique and powerful presence. The feedback is more valuable that you can imagine. Each mother gets genuine, creative, and heartfelt feedback. From all different angles.
One mama from the group recently sent us all this incredible article about misplaced anger. I read it late one night in bed and something woke up so deep inside of me.
My frustration with my kids or my mood spiraling downward out of what seems like nowehere stems from 2 concerns. 2 areas of deep pain and worry. 2 areas of anger.
It took me three years of meeting up to twice monthly to bring to the meeting something deeper than the symptoms. And it felt good. really good.
I am learning everyday. How to identify my fears or reactions regarding these 2 separate roots of anger. When I snap at my children, lose my patience, feel ungrounded or unhappy I can almost always tie it back to one of two core reasons.
And I knew the experience or fear of loss would be my biggest life obstacle.
I knew it would present a lifetime challenge for me. Before the age of 5 I had two times I remember crying my heart out. One was when I realized the care bears weren't real. I had invested so much hope and love and faith into bears in the sky working to right all wrongs, able to cure all sadness with the love of a care bear stare. I wonder if this truth, this realization that left me devastated (in the eyes of a 5 year old) is why the idea of religion or faith or a higher being seems impossible. Shortly after or maybe even before this I realized most likely I would outlive my parents. This just about destroyed me and brings me great grief and worry to this day.
Losing a family, any family, feels like a blow directly to the heart. The idea that this life as I know it is ever changing, growing, fleeting...it makes breathing hard.
Every night I get about 30 minutes snuggled up to Charlie alone. He reads his book to me for 15 and then I read Harry Potter to him for 15. It is amazing the small priceless moments that are created when two family members can take time out of their day. Last week he paused in the middle of my reading and said: "Mommy, will I live longer than you?" I said, "Yes, you most likely will. I hope you will. You are younger." Tears welled up in his eyes and he said: "That sucks" and I said: "It sure does honey. But we have a long life of reading to each other and loving each other."
He didn't sit and sob for hours on end (at least that is how I remember it) like I remember doing when I had this realization. But sharing a sacred moment with my son revolving around the same fears I had a young child and even as an adult was sad and very touching.
I feel for those who do not have strong women close by. People who don't have family to fear losing. I am forever grateful that this powerful mama circle was created years ago. That I have friends that know me on deeper levels than I even know myself. I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to process feelings and fears of loss with women who walk along side me through wondrous life.

Alex 2 years 5 months

Naptime:
Alex: Lookit, look out der. It yunny (sunny). It yight (light). I seep (sleep) when its dark, not yight (light)
Me: We take naps in the day when it is light outside. We go to bed at night when it is dark for a longer sleep.
Alex: Lookit, it light. I not seep (sleep) when it light.
Me: Yes you do.
Alex: I done wit you. I tell you a million dillion times. You not yisten. I done wit you. (he then fell asleep for 2 hours)

Argument over afternoon snack:
Alex: I want peanut butter and apple. I hungreeee
Me: I don't have peanut butter. I have cheese and crackers and trail mix if you are hungry
Alex: I got a good idea.
Me: Yeh?
Alex: Yeh! And then he runs over to me and kicks me.
Me: Ouch! That was your idea?
Alex: yes
Me: But that hurt. And I love you.
Alex. I hate you.
10 minutes later
Alex runs up and gives me a beautiful smile, hug and kiss and says: I love you
Me: But you just kicked me. I thought you didn't like me
Alex: Just cuz I kicked you doesn't me I don't love you

These are just two examples of the smart, witty, silly, verbal kid I get to spend most of my time with. Today I had the pleasure of 10 hours of just us. He played at the gym daycare while I worked out, we went to new leaf and picked up a few yummy snacks and then I took him to the mall. It was his first time in his life. I took two adorable pictures of him but erased them as I am trying to make room for the newest iphone update. He couldn't believe what he saw. It was my first time in a mall in forever as well. My work ipad died and I had to get a new one. He was beside himself with cuteness and joy. We walked into the apple store and once he caught the music he started swaying his hips. There were many giggles. He must have really felt the music because his hips were swinging side to side like I have never seen before.

After that we went to a Halloween store and he followed me around as I found the costume.

He may talk nonstop and wear me out verbally but how I am so lucky to once again have such a happy, healthy, together, well-balance toddler I will never understand. A multi-hour adventure. 3 stores. no stroller.

Alex isn't into to toys. Once in a while he will play with some cars and a parking garage. Mostly he jumps off the couch, follows me around, comes up with great ideas like kicking me for peanut butter.
He is my third and final. my baby. my big boy. my alex and I adore him.

Camping Tahoe

One of our amazing camping trips was to Kaspian Campground in West Lake Tahoe. We went with five families for five nights. We had never camped there before but we will be going back often.
I will let the photos talk...

idig

Idig:
--the unexpected block party after a long, tiring day.
--the fact that my children can play in and out of yards for 2 hours at night without a worry in the world. including alex.
--looking for alex once dark and asking around only to have random kids and adults say: Alex who?
then something catching my eye and realizing it was a random teenage girl throwing Alex up into the air in the next door house. I spotted this through the window and chuckled
--soccer, having both kate and charlie love it and be great at it
--family friends who I practically co parent with and the love and gratitude that comes from having a village
--Adam and the way he looks at me, hugs me, and generally adores me
--accepting feelings of uncomfortableness and getting through them
--a quiet house after a long day
--my brother finding true love and getting ready to propose
--pictures of burning man and the feeling for the first time ever that a week there might be good for me
--an upcoming trip to Texas with great friends
--how much my kids enjoy school
--live music
-the grateful dead and how it has quickly popped back into my life
--Alex at the block party asking for water and when we went to the drink table and found now wine he said: How about wine? Ill just have a little.
--Life and its ups and downs. good moods bad moods. struggles and strengths

All is content on the Montara Front

Really? 2 full months and nothing. I attribute it fully to making a huge mistake a year and a bit ago. I decided to save pennies and purchase an effing PC and now not only does work often come to a grinding halt but my blogging has become pretty much non existent.
But here I am. Where to begin. My summer was amazing. The best I have had since summer meant anything.....no let me back up....the best since having kids and summer meant anything.
Pre-kid summers meant waking up in Butano, sending Adam to work (Ha), walking Lilly, reading a book, and taking a bath all before 10. Summers back then also mean planning and preparing trips to Guatemala, Panama, Costa Rica....the glorious days.
But this summer was special in different but equally (or more) important ways.
I spent the better half of the summer traveling here and there. It felt empowering and relatively easy to take my kids away for a few days on my own to various places. And clearly the highlights were camping with my village.
It has taken me 34.75 years, three kids, and 7 years as a mom to find my village. And I am always expanding it. Although I admit it is hard to really put the effort in to new friendships when I feel like I have built lasting and loving relationships with five other families all with similar beliefs, view of the world, parenting styles, and pastimes as me.
We camped every 2-3 weeks for 4 nights and in between those times I got to do amazing things like visit Jackie's new ranch and get to know her kids better. I got to finally meet and hold Will the most loved and adorable little baby out there. I got to see my bestie Amy and hang with her husband, Corin and toddler Cedar. I got to spend a glorious few days at one of my closest friend's mom's estates swimming and drinking and just loving life.
In between these trips I got to wake up and watch my kids play inside and outside. I didn't check work emails for days on end, sometimes not even turning on my computer. I read a book. Ok, most of a book, but still. I haven't read a novel since being super sick with pneumonia before conceiving Alex was a reality.
I got to watch Charlie skateboard, bike, play tennis, and care so lovingly after Alex.
After 6 months of being quarantined from my parents house and lives, I got to drop in occasionally and spend pressure moments showing off my kids.
My kids. 2, 5 and 7. and so full of fire, and love, and questions.
Right now after a long few days filled with greatness I have nothing but awe and admiration for these kids of mine. but let me tell you there are plenty of moments (usually daily) where chaos and attitude and whining rule our way of life....but why dwell on those moments...especially not when generally I feel so good.
I stepped back into work two weeks ago, taking on a bigger load than last year and yet feeling 1000 times more in control of this job. And that feels damn good.
Kate started kinder and during the first day her teacher (who charlie had and who we love) came up to me at pick up time and said:When you are ready and you think Kate is ready, leave her until 2:40 when the first graders leave (it is a k/1 class). I tried to gather my daughter on her first day of school and she barely blinked an eye at me: I want to stay mommy, I will leave with Charlie.
It was bittersweet but mostly I felt proud that I am her mother. This girl with so much love and personality. So together and well-rounded that she is invited to be one of the first graders.
And Charlie seems to be owning second grade: "Mommy, I am supposed to read 30 minutes everyday. I have never even made it to 12" And now night after night he lays in bed exhausted after school and sports and reads amazingly well to me. When I try to stop him so he can go to sleep he asks if it has been 30 minutes, and if not he trudges onward. I couldn't be more proud. Tonight he sat at his desk for 30 minutes from 8:30-9:00 writing about Hawaii and how badly he wants to surf there.
And Alex, how do I even explain how happy, silly, smart, engaged and adorable he is. He is the light o f my life. And it is only fair that I start working harder to capture his moments, our moments. Charlie and Kate have a record of their lives at 2. He deserves one too. So there that is me right now. Tomorrow I might wake up feeling off and frustrated and overwhelmed. But for now with a quiet house sitting on a couch next to my husband who is reading a book (yes, a book) I feel rich.