A moment of clarity

I know what I want. I want to be patient. A rock. Their sun. I want to be a source of calmness, love, security. I want to be a model. To teach them how to show love, practice peacefulness, handle stress, resolve conflict. I want us to enjoy each other's company. But what I want and what I do are too often so far apart.
This morning I felt half normal after three days of battling a stomach flu. It came on Thursday midday and I ignored it. Chalked it up to lack of sleep and exercise. I went to bed with the chills and woke up with too much to do to take a sick day from parenting. The waves were good, so of course I had to let Adam surf...and I mean it. I want him to surf as much as he can. If I found...or shall I say when I find something in my life that means as much to me and my inner peace as surfing currently means to Adam, I would want Adam to be super supportive of me as well. So I sent him on his way and got up at 6 with a huge task at hand. Got all three kids dressed, fed, and ready for their schools. Drop one of at school, then the other, back up to pick up the first early, back down for xmas party at the others, then to park for 2 hours. All while feeling sick. Finally I retreated to my bed while somehow managing to care for all 3 until Adam finally came home at 445. Yes, I deserve mad props. So after this on top of 3 sleepless nights due to Alex also battling a stomach virus....I was off this morning.
Now I was excited to be upright and helpful after a full day of rest on Saturday. But I was off. Maybe tired, or dehydrated...something. For a few hours I kept my cool and then BAM I was so mad at my kids.
My source of frustration comes from one thing mostly. It takes 15 minutes to put Alex down for a nap, maybe 20 if he isn't exhausted. I think a 3 and 5 year old should be able to play nicely and quietly for that long while I am putting him down. I don't expect much, but I expect this much. The kids made it through the 15 minute mark and I was feeling calm, happy, and proud. Alex had fallen asleep. I was slowly working the dismount part....leaving the bed. When all hell broke loose.
Kate wanted to show Charlie a book, and he decided no and thought it would be fun to race around the house. Kate being the spitfire pistol she is started to scream at him. And just like that Alex was awake and I was furious.
I could have counted to ten with ten big breaths (as Charlie informed me post meltdown) but instead I marched out of my room with a plan to kick some ass and take some names.
I sent the kids to their beds. Then I yelled. I hate yelling. I don't do it often, but when I do I hate it. No one ever deserves to be yelled at.
After my tantrum, and my own timeout I pulled Charlie onto my lap. I quietly and quickly explained that I felt mad and didn't use my nice words. I instead got mean and yelled. We made up. We all practiced counting to 10 (again Charlie's idea) and practiced using our words to get our feelings across.
So many wonderful things are going on in my life. My relationship with Adam is rock solid. Alex is thriving, happy, and giving us so much love. Charlie is doing amazing in school, and Kate is Kate....the girl you will never have to worry about. I have a solid community that I trust and love. I have a mama's circle that I have been going to twice a month with 5 other amazing moms whom I love and trust. I am exercising, and work is going well. Yet I am stretched thin. I am mainly a mom, a provider. I clean, cook, and enjoy my kids. I have little identity outside of this. And I am tired. And too far removed from the principles I believe in as far as parenting. Every outburst I have I am reminded how gentle parenting takes effort.
I want my kids to become problem solvers. To feel disappointment and rather than meltdown explain how they feel. I want my kids to communicate. I want each hard moment to be a teachable one. I want to model respect, compassion, love, and mindfulness. I will get there. It is hard right now because I have lost my way....but I will get back there.
I have come to far down this road of parenting out of love rather than fear to throw in the towel.