Being Thankful

 I have experienced enough heartache and worry this past year, enough to know when it is time to relish in things being great.  I could go on and on about how much emotion my body, mind, and soul has endured this year but instead I would like to document what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that my mother has managed to stay out of the hospital for nearly a year despite a few bad colds.

I am thankful Charlie has found a group of friends he enjoys at school. I am thankful he is thriving with reading and writing.

I am thankful that Alex is potty trained (for the most part minus the whole crapping in his diaper when he wakes up)

I am thankful that Kate loves school and things like building friendships come so easy to hear. I am also thankful to have a badass, athletic, tough, yet silly and sweet daughter.

Happy to have an abundance of friends on the coast that I can swap childcare as well as celebrate birthdays, seasons, life with

Lucky to have a husband who is a great father, open to changes, sympathetic to struggles, and a great freind

Thankful to have friends who like to play Settlers

Thankful to have family eager to watch and hang out with our kids

Thankful to have the resources to pay for things like piano lessons, tennis lessons, gymnastics, and soccer.

Happy my kitchen is repainted.

Thankful that Alex has forged his own place in this world. He really is his own incredibly being and I am forever thankful that my parents share in the delight of just him every Tuesday morning while I work.


Thankful for moments like tonight where my three kids engaged in a great dance party while their soup (that ADAM made) cooled down. Some bears take walks, some families have dance parties.

My life is full of ups and downs like everyones. My car is often a dirty mess. My kids are either jumping of couches, running around the housing, or teasing each other. I constantly worry and stress about the health and happiness of those around me. And it is a daily struggle of mine to feel liked and loved by those around me. I have plenty to worry about. I mourn events and experiences in my life that have caused grief and confusion. I worry about my parents getting older. I stress too much about my house being cleaner. I often feel overwhelmed by the noise and clutter three kids (or 7 when neighbor kids join us) create. But more important than all those feelings of fear, more important that stressing over the small shit, is the joy I give and receive on a daily basis from the amazing kids I am raising, the incredible support system of my parents, and the love and attention my friends provide. This is what I am thankful for this year. For growth, healing, acceptance, courage, and above all health.

Mama Circle

For over three years I have been part of an incredible small gathering of women. We meet every other week and have created a warm, inviting ritual to share our inner selves with each other.
We have passed around the magic wooden egg, started off with poems or passages, moments of silence. We have shared chocolate, cookies, tea, and sometimes wine or a beer.
We have watched our bodies grow and change through pregnancies and births.
We have listened to each other's biggest fears and most trivial annoyances.
We have cried and laughed and cried and laughed some more.
We call it mama circle and it proves to be more empowering every time.
I consider myself a rather simple person. I want health and happiness for all. I want my house clean, my meals local and organic, my children well-balanced and happy. I want my mom to be healthy, my brother to be happy, and my husband to be doing what he loves best.
For years I have listened to each woman share (we generally get 9 minutes to talk and 4 minutes of feedback) and time and time again have been inspired by everyone's deepest thoughts.
Each woman brings a unique and powerful presence. The feedback is more valuable that you can imagine. Each mother gets genuine, creative, and heartfelt feedback. From all different angles.
One mama from the group recently sent us all this incredible article about misplaced anger. I read it late one night in bed and something woke up so deep inside of me.
My frustration with my kids or my mood spiraling downward out of what seems like nowehere stems from 2 concerns. 2 areas of deep pain and worry. 2 areas of anger.
It took me three years of meeting up to twice monthly to bring to the meeting something deeper than the symptoms. And it felt good. really good.
I am learning everyday. How to identify my fears or reactions regarding these 2 separate roots of anger. When I snap at my children, lose my patience, feel ungrounded or unhappy I can almost always tie it back to one of two core reasons.
And I knew the experience or fear of loss would be my biggest life obstacle.
I knew it would present a lifetime challenge for me. Before the age of 5 I had two times I remember crying my heart out. One was when I realized the care bears weren't real. I had invested so much hope and love and faith into bears in the sky working to right all wrongs, able to cure all sadness with the love of a care bear stare. I wonder if this truth, this realization that left me devastated (in the eyes of a 5 year old) is why the idea of religion or faith or a higher being seems impossible. Shortly after or maybe even before this I realized most likely I would outlive my parents. This just about destroyed me and brings me great grief and worry to this day.
Losing a family, any family, feels like a blow directly to the heart. The idea that this life as I know it is ever changing, growing, fleeting...it makes breathing hard.
Every night I get about 30 minutes snuggled up to Charlie alone. He reads his book to me for 15 and then I read Harry Potter to him for 15. It is amazing the small priceless moments that are created when two family members can take time out of their day. Last week he paused in the middle of my reading and said: "Mommy, will I live longer than you?" I said, "Yes, you most likely will. I hope you will. You are younger." Tears welled up in his eyes and he said: "That sucks" and I said: "It sure does honey. But we have a long life of reading to each other and loving each other."
He didn't sit and sob for hours on end (at least that is how I remember it) like I remember doing when I had this realization. But sharing a sacred moment with my son revolving around the same fears I had a young child and even as an adult was sad and very touching.
I feel for those who do not have strong women close by. People who don't have family to fear losing. I am forever grateful that this powerful mama circle was created years ago. That I have friends that know me on deeper levels than I even know myself. I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to process feelings and fears of loss with women who walk along side me through wondrous life.

Alex 2 years 5 months

Naptime:
Alex: Lookit, look out der. It yunny (sunny). It yight (light). I seep (sleep) when its dark, not yight (light)
Me: We take naps in the day when it is light outside. We go to bed at night when it is dark for a longer sleep.
Alex: Lookit, it light. I not seep (sleep) when it light.
Me: Yes you do.
Alex: I done wit you. I tell you a million dillion times. You not yisten. I done wit you. (he then fell asleep for 2 hours)

Argument over afternoon snack:
Alex: I want peanut butter and apple. I hungreeee
Me: I don't have peanut butter. I have cheese and crackers and trail mix if you are hungry
Alex: I got a good idea.
Me: Yeh?
Alex: Yeh! And then he runs over to me and kicks me.
Me: Ouch! That was your idea?
Alex: yes
Me: But that hurt. And I love you.
Alex. I hate you.
10 minutes later
Alex runs up and gives me a beautiful smile, hug and kiss and says: I love you
Me: But you just kicked me. I thought you didn't like me
Alex: Just cuz I kicked you doesn't me I don't love you

These are just two examples of the smart, witty, silly, verbal kid I get to spend most of my time with. Today I had the pleasure of 10 hours of just us. He played at the gym daycare while I worked out, we went to new leaf and picked up a few yummy snacks and then I took him to the mall. It was his first time in his life. I took two adorable pictures of him but erased them as I am trying to make room for the newest iphone update. He couldn't believe what he saw. It was my first time in a mall in forever as well. My work ipad died and I had to get a new one. He was beside himself with cuteness and joy. We walked into the apple store and once he caught the music he started swaying his hips. There were many giggles. He must have really felt the music because his hips were swinging side to side like I have never seen before.

After that we went to a Halloween store and he followed me around as I found the costume.

He may talk nonstop and wear me out verbally but how I am so lucky to once again have such a happy, healthy, together, well-balance toddler I will never understand. A multi-hour adventure. 3 stores. no stroller.

Alex isn't into to toys. Once in a while he will play with some cars and a parking garage. Mostly he jumps off the couch, follows me around, comes up with great ideas like kicking me for peanut butter.
He is my third and final. my baby. my big boy. my alex and I adore him.

Camping Tahoe

One of our amazing camping trips was to Kaspian Campground in West Lake Tahoe. We went with five families for five nights. We had never camped there before but we will be going back often.
I will let the photos talk...

idig

Idig:
--the unexpected block party after a long, tiring day.
--the fact that my children can play in and out of yards for 2 hours at night without a worry in the world. including alex.
--looking for alex once dark and asking around only to have random kids and adults say: Alex who?
then something catching my eye and realizing it was a random teenage girl throwing Alex up into the air in the next door house. I spotted this through the window and chuckled
--soccer, having both kate and charlie love it and be great at it
--family friends who I practically co parent with and the love and gratitude that comes from having a village
--Adam and the way he looks at me, hugs me, and generally adores me
--accepting feelings of uncomfortableness and getting through them
--a quiet house after a long day
--my brother finding true love and getting ready to propose
--pictures of burning man and the feeling for the first time ever that a week there might be good for me
--an upcoming trip to Texas with great friends
--how much my kids enjoy school
--live music
-the grateful dead and how it has quickly popped back into my life
--Alex at the block party asking for water and when we went to the drink table and found now wine he said: How about wine? Ill just have a little.
--Life and its ups and downs. good moods bad moods. struggles and strengths

All is content on the Montara Front

Really? 2 full months and nothing. I attribute it fully to making a huge mistake a year and a bit ago. I decided to save pennies and purchase an effing PC and now not only does work often come to a grinding halt but my blogging has become pretty much non existent.
But here I am. Where to begin. My summer was amazing. The best I have had since summer meant anything.....no let me back up....the best since having kids and summer meant anything.
Pre-kid summers meant waking up in Butano, sending Adam to work (Ha), walking Lilly, reading a book, and taking a bath all before 10. Summers back then also mean planning and preparing trips to Guatemala, Panama, Costa Rica....the glorious days.
But this summer was special in different but equally (or more) important ways.
I spent the better half of the summer traveling here and there. It felt empowering and relatively easy to take my kids away for a few days on my own to various places. And clearly the highlights were camping with my village.
It has taken me 34.75 years, three kids, and 7 years as a mom to find my village. And I am always expanding it. Although I admit it is hard to really put the effort in to new friendships when I feel like I have built lasting and loving relationships with five other families all with similar beliefs, view of the world, parenting styles, and pastimes as me.
We camped every 2-3 weeks for 4 nights and in between those times I got to do amazing things like visit Jackie's new ranch and get to know her kids better. I got to finally meet and hold Will the most loved and adorable little baby out there. I got to see my bestie Amy and hang with her husband, Corin and toddler Cedar. I got to spend a glorious few days at one of my closest friend's mom's estates swimming and drinking and just loving life.
In between these trips I got to wake up and watch my kids play inside and outside. I didn't check work emails for days on end, sometimes not even turning on my computer. I read a book. Ok, most of a book, but still. I haven't read a novel since being super sick with pneumonia before conceiving Alex was a reality.
I got to watch Charlie skateboard, bike, play tennis, and care so lovingly after Alex.
After 6 months of being quarantined from my parents house and lives, I got to drop in occasionally and spend pressure moments showing off my kids.
My kids. 2, 5 and 7. and so full of fire, and love, and questions.
Right now after a long few days filled with greatness I have nothing but awe and admiration for these kids of mine. but let me tell you there are plenty of moments (usually daily) where chaos and attitude and whining rule our way of life....but why dwell on those moments...especially not when generally I feel so good.
I stepped back into work two weeks ago, taking on a bigger load than last year and yet feeling 1000 times more in control of this job. And that feels damn good.
Kate started kinder and during the first day her teacher (who charlie had and who we love) came up to me at pick up time and said:When you are ready and you think Kate is ready, leave her until 2:40 when the first graders leave (it is a k/1 class). I tried to gather my daughter on her first day of school and she barely blinked an eye at me: I want to stay mommy, I will leave with Charlie.
It was bittersweet but mostly I felt proud that I am her mother. This girl with so much love and personality. So together and well-rounded that she is invited to be one of the first graders.
And Charlie seems to be owning second grade: "Mommy, I am supposed to read 30 minutes everyday. I have never even made it to 12" And now night after night he lays in bed exhausted after school and sports and reads amazingly well to me. When I try to stop him so he can go to sleep he asks if it has been 30 minutes, and if not he trudges onward. I couldn't be more proud. Tonight he sat at his desk for 30 minutes from 8:30-9:00 writing about Hawaii and how badly he wants to surf there.
And Alex, how do I even explain how happy, silly, smart, engaged and adorable he is. He is the light o f my life. And it is only fair that I start working harder to capture his moments, our moments. Charlie and Kate have a record of their lives at 2. He deserves one too. So there that is me right now. Tomorrow I might wake up feeling off and frustrated and overwhelmed. But for now with a quiet house sitting on a couch next to my husband who is reading a book (yes, a book) I feel rich.

group packing

 Group camping is where it is at. We have gone on several trips and each one was amazing. Kids running around in packs, exploring the dirt, bark, and critters around them. Adults laughing, chatting, playing cards, sipping adult beverages. Late nights around the fire telling stories and sharing laughs. Early mornings sipping coffee as the sun comes up. Happy kids. Happy parents, Happy families, and happy friends. What could be better?

 This is most of our crew. Minus one very special family that is moving to Texas soon.

 be still my heart

 Best big brother ever

 love that alex has a group of big kids that adore him.

 How we spend our afternoon/evenings.

Friends make the world go round.

Public Speaking

I hate it. I wish I didn't. When I am not in front of crowds I can speak coherently and from the heart. I think if I had less emotional attachment to my convictions I could have been a lawyer. But instead I will give a speech at a PTO meeting. Yes, you read that right. Not even a board meeting. A PTO meeting. And I will have a lump in my throat.
Here it is.

Hi,

My name is Sarah Berkowitz and I am a mother of three young children. I grew up on the coast and went to Hatch, Cunha, and the high school. As a teacher myself I have been exposed to many different models of education as well as teaching philosophies. As a mother and an educator I wanted to share with you my experience with the looping program over the past two years. 

My husband and I had originally planned to send our children the immersion program. When I moved back to the area to teach in Pescadero I was thrilled to learn that my old elementary school had a unique program that fostered bilingual and bicultural children. The spring before my oldest son started Kindergarten we bought a house in Montara. I still had plans to send my children to the immersion program when I heard about another unique program offered at Farallone View. I always liked the idea of community schools and started asking around about the looping program. After looking closely into the looping program we changed our minds and decided to send our children to FV rather than Hatch. For the reasons I am about to share with you I couldn’t happier with my decision. Choosing the right educational fit for your child is not something that should be taken lightly. Our children are our future and like all parents my goal is to help guide my children into well-rounded, caring, and kind people. I am proud to say that the looping program at farallone view does just that.

The multi-age setting in a looping class is a microcosim of real society. Our children are exposed to different age groups that foster collaboration and understanding. The two year program develops key skills at different points. As kindergarteners our children learn to ask and accept help from their older peers. Appropriate classroom behaviors and routines are not only explained by the teacher, but perhaps more importantly modeled by their peers. The first graders seem to take great pride in knowing the drill and being mini teachers to the incoming kinders. When you step inside the class you see students of various ages, abilities, genders, and cultures all interacting for the common goal of learning. I can’t think of a better way to prepare our children for the real world.

When my son entered kindergarten he knew no one. We had lived in HMB until a few months before school so all of his friends and peers were at Hatch and El Granada. For those of you that know Charlie you know that at first he is shy, reserved and timid. He was excited about starting school but very nervous about not having any friends . I know this is the situation many kindergarten or new students face in a classroom. The difference for Charlie was that he had first graders who took him in and showed him the ropes. He has always looked up to older kids and so having experienced classmates helped him feel comfortable. As the oldest child of three he also has strong leadership skills. Now as a first grader he is the one who is able to make younger kids feel comfortable. I still smile when I think back to the beginning of the year. Everyday Charlie told me how he took this kinder to the bathroom or office or showed them what to do for kids jobs or reading and eating.

Another benefit of the looping program is the extended time our teachers get to truly know each student. As a parent I felt less pressure to have Charlie hit exact bench marks at a specific time because I knew that he is part of a two year program. Giving our teachers and our children two years allows for a deeper understanding of each child’s learning style, strengths as well as challenges. Charlie’s teacher has a very thorough understanding of Charlie as a whole. She understands his passions, his skills, his strengths, and his challenges. This has helped Charlie not only in the classroom but in our home as well. As we all know it takes a village to raise children.  It has been such a blessing to have another adult, especially an educator, know my son on a deep level. Over the past two years I have been able to build a solid relationship with his teacher. This is yet another benefit to this program. Not only do the teachers and students get two years to  build connections but the parents and teachers do too. I feel incredibly lucky to have been given the time to build a strong relationship Ms. Linda.

As this year comes to a close I look at my son and I can’t help but to feel immensely proud of his growth over the past two years. He went from a shy and timid kindergartener to an outgoing and confident first grader. I know he likes being the leader of the group but he recently told me he is very excited about second grade. When I asked him what things he was looking forward to he told me he is ready to be with the older kids again. This is the beauty of this program.  Different aged kids coming together to teach and be taught. To follow and then lead then follow again. These are skills our children will use across their lifetime.

I understand there are obstacles to making this a formal program. I understand numbers change and teachers retire. I also know this model of education isn’t for everyone. However, if there is a way to come together and create a  sustainable looping program once again at FV, I strongly feel our entire school will benefit from it. Although this is only my second year as a parent of this school, I am well aware of how special FV school is. I see the dedicated and loving teachers that  give themselves to our children. I see parents that endlessly donate their time and money to making this school better. I see a principal who is in touch with the needs of both the students and teachers. I see happy engaged kids eager to learn. I believe that with the help of the dedicated staff and administration and devoted parents, we can make the looping program a program that is celebrated, cherished and supported.

Our children deserve it.

Today was like a fresh sunny morning after a long night of hard rain. All of my kids were healthy and rested. We eased into the day with nowhere to go. No endless trips to town. No school drop offs. Just me and my three kids. Alex following the bigs around as if they are his toys. Time with Charlie. as precious as a sunny day on the coast. At one point I looked out front and saw all three kids deeply engaged in amazing play. They created a shop for Alex to work in and as I cleaned house I peek out front with a huge smile on my face.
Health.
You may not celebrate it until you don't have it.
over 5 years ago my mom took a turn for the worst health wise. What she lacked in mobility and comfort she has made up for in gratitude, attitude, and wisdom. And all those that surround her see it, feel it, and learn from it. This week was her third and final BT. I imagine walking into and through these three procedures has been scary. But she did it. I know the aftermath has been uncomfortable. And I know with all of my heart and soul that she is doing it all for us. To see Charlie reach his goals. For we are all witnesses. To watch Josh walk down the aisle. To answer my endless texts. To share in my good news, and to comfort me in my times of need. To see all the wonderful things Aunt Kate will accomplish. To be there day in and day out for my dad. To see what kind of small child silly, sweet Alex will become. To watch and revel in the greatness that is Little Kate. And to watch and support the love Adam and I share.
Health.
Charlie struggled 2012. We charted his illnesses and it was as often as every 2 weeks for 8-12 months. So often that I was convinced he was very sick and took him in for a full blood, stool, allergy work up. We changed his diet and added some immunity boosters and bam no sickness for 5 months. Until Saturday. Little boy, who at times seems bigger and more intense than life itself, vomited every hour for 25 hours. I was ready to take him to the ER on hour 20. Thank goddess Adam was by my side and just kept waking him or trying to wake him for fluids.
And now we are healthy. Just like that. And I am once again reminded of how important it is to put nourishing food and nutrients into our bodies.
Because summer is here. I wrap up my job in a few days and I take pride in the fact that I have successfully completed a full year of working full-time from home with three littles. I relish in the fact that I have 10 weeks with my kids. That means 10 weeks to focus on not yelling, not getting too involved in their play or bickering. 10 weeks to show them I have the time to play a card game or board game or take a walk.
I look back at the time in my life when I only had two kids. young kids. no job. and all day to make it my own. And I already long for those days. When baking, playing, deep breaths, occasional tears, and lots of laughter filled my room.
I am done with checking my phone for work calls, work emails, and never ending work tasks.
I am ready to take the kids out and about. for the dance parties and trips to museums and zoos. I am ready for spontaneous trips to the beach, parks, and happy hour playdates.
Mostly I am ready to have my little family under one roof more often than not.
Uh and I am ready for my mom to be out of her bubble, and for my sister Kate to come home.

Who we are

              We are the family that adores watching our kids play sports. We build our days, both during the week and weekends around our kids sports. We are the family that cheers (some would call it yells) too much during games. In fact last baseball game after the umpire called a clear strike a ball and I yelled WHOOOOOAH...adam had to silence me with  a quick: shut up sarah. Here Charlie is at bat. He had two great hits into the out field this game (and one strike out) and had a few amazing plays in the field (totally objective) and pitched two innings for the first time ever. We are the family that revels in Saturdays spent on soccer fields with family and friends.

                             This time of year we get amazing sun on our back deck. My idea of heaven is a long day full of ups and downs followed by a nice cold beer on a somewhat sunny deck looking at a magazine about food while my kids play.

        HMB gets amazingly gorgeous days in the spring..actually we have days that are breath-taking every season, except summer. There is nothing better than dropping work, housework, prior engagements, and life to run around at the beach when the weather hits high 60s. I have watched my kids run this maze from the time they were crawling.

                    You certainly know life is good when you can sit on the beach in May and feel so hot that a cool slice of watermelon is needed.

I constantly thought during this outing: This is my light at the end of the tunnel. Hear I have a nearly 2 year old (smart, verbal, silly, and sweet) that can play safely at a beach with close supervision. I see the light...

Alex following a class of k/1 out to get watered in the garden since  by 9 am it was hitting 70 degrees

I had an interesting talk about life, long, kids, family, struggles today with a woman I went to college with. She mentioned her daughter who is almost 10. She described her daughter and I found myself opening my mouth and saying: No matter what hardships, family issues, or crap thrown at us...the fact that we can say we have an amazing daughter who is close to our heart....that is something that makes everything else bearable. When life has caused me more pain that I am used to the first person I turn to is Kate. I don't always let her know why I need the play, the hug, the love...but I know that when I feel like I am falling apart...looking at Kate and being with all my kids grounds me.

                                                         Just having breakfast with two of the coolest kids around.
    

                                    Sharing gelato with my second daughter. I love this girl beside Kate. We all do.

           Speaking of loving B, this is her amazing mom, whom I adore. Yes, I was that friend that told her to hold her position after a slight bike run in with succulents so I could snap a pic.

                                Montara Triangle potluck. Enough said

                          The boys that keep me on my toes, forever flexible, and always madly in love.