Me

I can lie comfortably on my back at night. I can have a glass of wine or a nice cold beer. I can fit in most of my regular clothes. I am no longer moody, irritable, or super emotional. I still cry here and there, but for good reasons. like my mom being hospitalized.
Having three (for 11 days) has been grounding for me. I am not cooking dinner in the morning (or at all for that matter, and I have my extended family and great network of friends to thank for that). I am not rushing to the park, zoo, beach, on a walk, or anywhere every morning in attempt to get my kids outside and moving. I am thankful that my mother-in-law, parents, sister, brother, and Adam have taken the kids out for me. And I am enjoying all the time I am spending with them inside. I watch and listen to them play so creatively with their toys, I watch them "read", draw, play games....
I am not working all day Saturday, nor am I tutoring three to four afternoons a week. I am not having playdates for obvious reasons, and although we do miss our friends I like staying home.
I am grounded in my role as a mom. And I am happy.
My job is so simple right now. I nurse the baby, hold the baby, love the baby. And once every few hours I try to set him down so I can fix a snack for my kids, play a game hands free, or read books. But most of the time the baby wakes up once he is set down, and we all rush to him.
He is the middle ground for Kate and Charlie, who had been fighting more than playing together the past few months. They both adore him. I think seeing him so little makes them realize what they have in each other. They have a playmate in each other. And I am seeing more playing together than I have in a while.
We listen to music. We read books. We play games. We do art. And more often than not I am in the background. On the couch. Or the nursing chair. Rocking my precious boy. Watching my kids entertain themselves, without TV. And it makes me happy.
There have been times in the past two days where scrambling eggs with a baby who wants to nurse is challenging. Where the kids suddenly erupt into running around house yelling. But I am calm. And focused. I am back. not perfect. not even close. But so much better now that the baby is on the outside.
So far....and again it has not been long...but so far...I love having three. It feels like we are balanced or something. Complete. I can appreciate K and C better than ever. I see the stages they are in more clearly now than ever. I am savoring the feel of Alex, the smell. The way he is learning to focus. The noises he is making. The way his legs curl up on my lap. The way he is getting bigger everyday. And I am in awe of how just a few years ago Kate was the same way and now she is this big spunky, sweet, smart girl. It amazes me that almost 5 years ago Charlie was my newborn. It is as if having another baby has slowed time down.
Days are long. And I wouldn't want it any other way

What they say...

I was explaining something to Charlie and he kept responding WHAT? After three or four times I said, Charlie why can't you hear me? He said: Sorry I don't have good earsight.

Today while playing dolls and babies with Kate she looked at her doll that I made for her and said: Rosie is so hairy (she has long red curly hair) I said yes she is. Then Kate said: Mommy, a woman is a girl that is older.
Me: Yes, that is true
Kate: I want to be a woman.
Me: Ok
Kate: Then call me woman
Me: Ok, woman
Kate: giggles and throws her head back: No, call me Kate

After dropping off Charlie at Adam's work so Adam can take Charlie to preschool Kate said: Mommy, you are the shit. I think it was a version of her favorite saying when she is mad: shit brother, shit mommy, shit daddy. She wanted me to take her to the castle park one week postpartum with a newborn in the rain....and I said no. Hours later I can still hear her saying in a sweet but strong voice: Mommy you are the shit. Yes Kate I am. I am the shit.

Charlie is constantly kissing, hugging and holding the baby. He says things like, ahh he is so little, so cute, so special. Yesterday he snuggled right up to the baby in the morning and said: I never want him to grow and change. I want him to stay little forever.

Yesterday Charlie asked me: Are we going to have another baby after this one. I explained No this is our last baby. He whined a little and said, that isn't fair some families have 5 babies.

Last night we had a get together with my siblings at my parents house. It was dark when we got home. The kids are rarely awake when it is dark, especially now that it is getting dark after 830. I took Kate out of the car, and then walked around to Charlie's side. When I opened the door I saw Charlie really close to baby and heard him whispering: "Don't worry Alex, I will keep you safe in the dark."

The kids have been playing a lot with their knights, dragons, and fairies. I love listening to the stories they individually create in their heads and act out. Kate says things like: Run as fast as you can, the dragon is coming. Hop on the bus. Come on this is really cool. I love to watch their imagination unfold.

Charlie explained to use recently that:
There is Basel, Ian, and Me. Basel is the oldest (he marks a place above him with his hand), Ian is in the middle (again marks a spot below Basel's mark in the air) and then there is me (lowest mark), but if we turn the world around (insert the sound of the world turning, which he does very well) it would be me on top (hand marking spot), Ian still in the middle (marking middle spot) and now Basel on the bottom. Adam and I looked at each completely in awe of our son.

He is asking questions like where did water come from? What is inside the sun? How big is the universe? How long have people been here? where did the dinosaur go?

He also is incredibly bright at math, can read most numbers with two digits, and says things like 1/2 plus 1/2 is 1 whole. Yesterday he wrote Pam's name and Adam's name on a paper. Adam asked how many more letters does Adam have in his name than Pam. He answered 1 right away. I work with 4th and 5th graders who struggle with the concept of "how many more"

My first 2 hours

The past 2 hours I have been home alone with all three kids. For the first time since having a third baby. And it went great. I fixed the kids a healthy snack that they enjoyed. I straightened up the kitchen and prepped dinner. I cleaned up the mess from couch play, changed the laundry, and even dusted some furniture.
And guess what?
for most of those two hours the kids played together. I repeat played together. As in made up games: they pretended to be firefighters fighting off dangerous fires in each room, and then took turns being the baby asleep in bed while the other brought presents. Now they are reading books side by side in bed. HONOLULU. It seems like it has been forever since they have played nicely together without me....
and the baby has been asleep for more than an hour on his own.
I am still in a lot of pain. Honestly, each step hurts. But I can get used to the pain...as long as my house is relatively clean, my kids are fed and happy and getting along, and my baby is content. I am embarrassed to say that this is only the third or fourth time I have put the baby down in his 7 days of life. Partly because I have been mostly bedridden trying to heal, but also partly because he is adorable and I want to hold him all the time.
I know not all of our moments will be as perfect as the past two hours, but it is a great first attempt at managing three under 5 full-time.

And as long as this big boy keeps loving his little brother the way he does


And as long as this big girl keeps helping the way she loves to do

And as long as the littlest boy continues to grow and be happy:
I will be just fine . more than fine.

It was like Christmas moring....

When my parents brought Charlie and Kate to our home to meet the baby. It was morning. The fire was going, music on in the background, everyone excited. The kids had wild hair and huge smiles. Charlie walked in so big and proud and I was awe struck at his beauty and bigness, wasn't it just yesterday that he was my baby boy in my arms. And Kate in her Kate outfit of all pink and tights and boots....waltzed in so eager to meet her baby brother. My mom immediately got her hands back on her new grandson like all grandmothers do. My dad dropped to the floor to play candyland and shoots and latters with the kids (big kid games my parents had wrapped for the kids) I sat in the nursing chair watching my parents, my husband, my kids....and I knew my family was complete.

The kids came right over to get a first glimpse. They were adorable. Commenting on how cute he was, how small his hands and knees were.

My dad finally got to meet Alex after coming to my house at 5 am and being on C and K duty for two full days.

The kids getting a close look

Charlie was thrilled when my brother got word at 8 at night that he had a new baby brother....

Getting reunited ....

Baby Alex got each kid a new knight to add to their growing collection....

Kate absolutely loves having a baby brother. So much that she insists on holding him all the time and has been known to occasionally throw herself on the floor in despair when we won't let her carry or hold him (she also has a cold) and had one very intense and sad meltdown when it first hit her that I could not drop everything and hold her. She was sobbing saying we have to put the baby back in my belly so she could be the baby again. It broke my heart. But today there weren't any tears just "pets" as she calls touching him.

It has been a tough adjustment but we are heading in the right direction

alex abraham underwood

it was a long pregnancy and one hell of a labor and delivery. the most intense, emotional, challenging, and rewarding day in a long time. welcome to our family alex...it is as if you have always been here. we love you

The calm before the storm

The house is relatively clean, the dishes are done, there is no milk in the fridge that could go bad, the laundry is all done, most of the baby clothes are put in a dresser, the carseat fits, the kids are playing nicely together.

I am ready for you berkawood underwitz baby #3

Charlie 7/3/06

Kate 2/8/08

I haven't slept in days. Literally. I toss and turn all night long. I get up to use the bathroom all night long. I wake up and can't fall back asleep. I switch positions from side to side trying to get relief from the intense shoulder pain that has developed these past few months. And then just when it seems like I can actually sleep I hear little feet race down the hall and leap into my bed. This morning it was Charlie at 5:35 am and Kate at 6:00. Despite this total lack of sleep I have energy. I feel awake and calm and motivated to clean, organize and enjoy this time with my kids.
Yesterday at 39 weeks I decided it was time to get baby clothes ready, to do some laundry and clean the house. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, with the cutest 3 year old by my side helping. Nesting?
This morning I went to the doc. My body is ready to go and she predicts labor to start within the next few days. I am ready. Ready to not be pregnant. Ready to feel the wave of contractions come on strong. Ready to breathe through them. Ready to make calls to my mom and sister and head out to welcome our last child into our family. Ready to see what the baby is and how he/she looks, ready to know that everything is fine and healthy. Ready to watch Kate and Charlie become extra big siblings. As Charlie said this morning: Maybe one more sleep mommy, until we meet the baby.
The doc mentioned inducing me just a few days past my due date. No thanks. I was induced with Kate and regret not being at home during early labor. Regret not having that moment when you realize this is it and get to shout it out to the world...or your family. I am assuming since this is my third delivery it will be fast and intense...and would much rather everything happen on its own.
I feel a calmness today. Trying to let go of Saturday teaching, students reports, finals, grades....and enjoy these last few days with two big kids. Trying to take deep breaths and handle trying situations with a smile and low voice. Trying to snuggle Kate, share sweet conversations with Charlie, and silly moments with Adam.
So baby come soon, but more importantly come safely. We are ready for you. I even sense your dad getting excited.... and these two beautiful souls are ready for you to join the party...

Kate the Great

She really amazes me everday. Her mannerisms, her intelligence, her sweetness, and silliness. She has always been easy. Maybe it is because she is my second and nothing phases me. Not even her calling me shit mommy when she is mad. From her sweet singing voice, to the way she carries her precious little body down the aisles at a store or across a field at a park....we are all smitten with her. I had to write down these recent cute things she said:

After putting her to sleep a few nights ago she called me back into her room:
Kate: Mommy, there is something in my eyeball. (maybe it isn't funny but it was so incredibly cute to see her sleepy face and watch her delicate little three year old fingers point to her eyebrow...

Tonight after our 4th game of memory....she walks up to me and says so honestly...
Kate: Mommy, I am a little bit skinnier than you are.....
Me: Yes that is true, I am older and pregnant...go easy on me Kate

During our memory game I kept reminding her to pay attention to the cards Charlie and I turned over. I said in an annoyed voice:
Me: Kate you won't ever get any matches if you don't pay attention
Kate's next turn she turns over two random cards and bam it is a match
Kate: See mommy anutter mash
Me: How did you do that?
Kate: I just lifted my eyes and turned over a mash

Earlier today:
Kate: Mommy you have a "gina" (as in vagina)
(I start thinking...where is this going_
Kate: Mommy I have a gina.....that makes a mash (match)
Kate, perhaps we are playing too much memory


At dinner tonight Charlie says:
Charlie: some people are fat and some people are skinny.
Me: Yes Charlie everyone has different bodies just like people have different hair and eyes.
Charlie: Am I skinny?
Me: You are muscular.
Kate: I skinny?
Me: You are perfect Kate
Charlie: Daddy is skinny right mommy?
Me: Yeh, Daddy is skinny.
Kate....gets a little defensive....: but daddy is perfect too! right mommy?

Earlier today:
Charlie: Mommy I want to marry Basel (his friend)
Kate: No you have to marry a girl Charlie
Charlie: No, I don't have to marry a girl right mommy.
Me: No Charlie you can marry a boy or a girl.
Kate: gets a huge grin on her face....Oh! Well then I going to marry you mommy.
Me: Well, Kate you need to be in love with someone romantically to marry them...
Kate: I is in love with you...romantically. I is.
Me: (smiling) oh....welll I'm already married to daddy.
Kate: Then I marry Charlie
Charlie: silly Kate we are already married, we are a family