Today was like a fresh sunny morning after a long night of hard rain. All of my kids were healthy and rested. We eased into the day with nowhere to go. No endless trips to town. No school drop offs. Just me and my three kids. Alex following the bigs around as if they are his toys. Time with Charlie. as precious as a sunny day on the coast. At one point I looked out front and saw all three kids deeply engaged in amazing play. They created a shop for Alex to work in and as I cleaned house I peek out front with a huge smile on my face.
Health.
You may not celebrate it until you don't have it.
over 5 years ago my mom took a turn for the worst health wise. What she lacked in mobility and comfort she has made up for in gratitude, attitude, and wisdom. And all those that surround her see it, feel it, and learn from it. This week was her third and final BT. I imagine walking into and through these three procedures has been scary. But she did it. I know the aftermath has been uncomfortable. And I know with all of my heart and soul that she is doing it all for us. To see Charlie reach his goals. For we are all witnesses. To watch Josh walk down the aisle. To answer my endless texts. To share in my good news, and to comfort me in my times of need. To see all the wonderful things Aunt Kate will accomplish. To be there day in and day out for my dad. To see what kind of small child silly, sweet Alex will become. To watch and revel in the greatness that is Little Kate. And to watch and support the love Adam and I share.
Health.
Charlie struggled 2012. We charted his illnesses and it was as often as every 2 weeks for 8-12 months. So often that I was convinced he was very sick and took him in for a full blood, stool, allergy work up. We changed his diet and added some immunity boosters and bam no sickness for 5 months. Until Saturday. Little boy, who at times seems bigger and more intense than life itself, vomited every hour for 25 hours. I was ready to take him to the ER on hour 20. Thank goddess Adam was by my side and just kept waking him or trying to wake him for fluids.
And now we are healthy. Just like that. And I am once again reminded of how important it is to put nourishing food and nutrients into our bodies.
Because summer is here. I wrap up my job in a few days and I take pride in the fact that I have successfully completed a full year of working full-time from home with three littles. I relish in the fact that I have 10 weeks with my kids. That means 10 weeks to focus on not yelling, not getting too involved in their play or bickering. 10 weeks to show them I have the time to play a card game or board game or take a walk.
I look back at the time in my life when I only had two kids. young kids. no job. and all day to make it my own. And I already long for those days. When baking, playing, deep breaths, occasional tears, and lots of laughter filled my room.
I am done with checking my phone for work calls, work emails, and never ending work tasks.
I am ready to take the kids out and about. for the dance parties and trips to museums and zoos. I am ready for spontaneous trips to the beach, parks, and happy hour playdates.
Mostly I am ready to have my little family under one roof more often than not.
Uh and I am ready for my mom to be out of her bubble, and for my sister Kate to come home.

Who we are

              We are the family that adores watching our kids play sports. We build our days, both during the week and weekends around our kids sports. We are the family that cheers (some would call it yells) too much during games. In fact last baseball game after the umpire called a clear strike a ball and I yelled WHOOOOOAH...adam had to silence me with  a quick: shut up sarah. Here Charlie is at bat. He had two great hits into the out field this game (and one strike out) and had a few amazing plays in the field (totally objective) and pitched two innings for the first time ever. We are the family that revels in Saturdays spent on soccer fields with family and friends.

                             This time of year we get amazing sun on our back deck. My idea of heaven is a long day full of ups and downs followed by a nice cold beer on a somewhat sunny deck looking at a magazine about food while my kids play.

        HMB gets amazingly gorgeous days in the spring..actually we have days that are breath-taking every season, except summer. There is nothing better than dropping work, housework, prior engagements, and life to run around at the beach when the weather hits high 60s. I have watched my kids run this maze from the time they were crawling.

                    You certainly know life is good when you can sit on the beach in May and feel so hot that a cool slice of watermelon is needed.

I constantly thought during this outing: This is my light at the end of the tunnel. Hear I have a nearly 2 year old (smart, verbal, silly, and sweet) that can play safely at a beach with close supervision. I see the light...

Alex following a class of k/1 out to get watered in the garden since  by 9 am it was hitting 70 degrees

I had an interesting talk about life, long, kids, family, struggles today with a woman I went to college with. She mentioned her daughter who is almost 10. She described her daughter and I found myself opening my mouth and saying: No matter what hardships, family issues, or crap thrown at us...the fact that we can say we have an amazing daughter who is close to our heart....that is something that makes everything else bearable. When life has caused me more pain that I am used to the first person I turn to is Kate. I don't always let her know why I need the play, the hug, the love...but I know that when I feel like I am falling apart...looking at Kate and being with all my kids grounds me.

                                                         Just having breakfast with two of the coolest kids around.
    

                                    Sharing gelato with my second daughter. I love this girl beside Kate. We all do.

           Speaking of loving B, this is her amazing mom, whom I adore. Yes, I was that friend that told her to hold her position after a slight bike run in with succulents so I could snap a pic.

                                Montara Triangle potluck. Enough said

                          The boys that keep me on my toes, forever flexible, and always madly in love.

The truth

The truth is I am BRCA 1 positive.
And cancer runs in my family. The real truth is I have three amazing, healthy, beautiful kids that I adore. I have a family that I truly love and enjoy. I have a husband I learn from and love more everyday. I live in the same town I grew up in, and yet discover new amazing places every week. I have a career path that I am content in. I have friends I love as if they were my sisters.
I have a lot to lose. That is the absolute truth.
I remember talking to my mom about this gene mutation. Was it 10 years ago? I remember her bringing up my dad's mom's fight against ovarian cancer in her young 40s. And something about a magazine article about Ashkanazi Jews and cancer. I felt ok, strong in my family, myself and my life.
I remember sitting in the waiting room for the results. The tears in my mom's eyes, the relief in my heart when I found out Kate was negative. I was positive. And I felt ok with that. I knew in that moment that if I had a choice between me or my sister and this cancer gene...that I would of course want it to be me. It is amazing the comfort you get when you love someone with all of your soul.
I was asked to join studies, support groups...yada yada. I had a doctor who I connected with, who ensured me with all of her heart that she would see me through screenings and see that I was ok.
And then she moved across the country and my insurance changed. and life happened.
So 10 years later I am here.
I found an online support group tonight mainly because I am not sure when and what and where and how this all works.
I can say strongly without tears or fears that I will get my ovaries out and possible a double mastectomy.
But I am now 34, almost 35. My family is complete and my clock is ticking. I read thread after thread tonight about women in their early 30s already having these crazy preventative surgeries and it hit home so hard it hurts to breath.
I am hanging on after a full year of working "full-time" with three little kids. I am a stay at home mom tending to all the cooking, cleaning, activities...while also working every evening. I love it but when a random meeting or work related need comes up I panic. Who will watch my kids?
So when I consider the hows and wheres of a preventative surgery the panic returns. Except I have family and friends, and a devoted husband, and a daycare woman I adore....so perhaps the hang up is the actual truth that this is my reality. And honestly it isn't the surgery that scares me. It is the probability of cancer.
Cancer is all around us. We all have family members, friends, community members that we have lost to this disease.
I can't be one of them. I have too much to loose and too much to offer.