Mama Circle

For over three years I have been part of an incredible small gathering of women. We meet every other week and have created a warm, inviting ritual to share our inner selves with each other.
We have passed around the magic wooden egg, started off with poems or passages, moments of silence. We have shared chocolate, cookies, tea, and sometimes wine or a beer.
We have watched our bodies grow and change through pregnancies and births.
We have listened to each other's biggest fears and most trivial annoyances.
We have cried and laughed and cried and laughed some more.
We call it mama circle and it proves to be more empowering every time.
I consider myself a rather simple person. I want health and happiness for all. I want my house clean, my meals local and organic, my children well-balanced and happy. I want my mom to be healthy, my brother to be happy, and my husband to be doing what he loves best.
For years I have listened to each woman share (we generally get 9 minutes to talk and 4 minutes of feedback) and time and time again have been inspired by everyone's deepest thoughts.
Each woman brings a unique and powerful presence. The feedback is more valuable that you can imagine. Each mother gets genuine, creative, and heartfelt feedback. From all different angles.
One mama from the group recently sent us all this incredible article about misplaced anger. I read it late one night in bed and something woke up so deep inside of me.
My frustration with my kids or my mood spiraling downward out of what seems like nowehere stems from 2 concerns. 2 areas of deep pain and worry. 2 areas of anger.
It took me three years of meeting up to twice monthly to bring to the meeting something deeper than the symptoms. And it felt good. really good.
I am learning everyday. How to identify my fears or reactions regarding these 2 separate roots of anger. When I snap at my children, lose my patience, feel ungrounded or unhappy I can almost always tie it back to one of two core reasons.
And I knew the experience or fear of loss would be my biggest life obstacle.
I knew it would present a lifetime challenge for me. Before the age of 5 I had two times I remember crying my heart out. One was when I realized the care bears weren't real. I had invested so much hope and love and faith into bears in the sky working to right all wrongs, able to cure all sadness with the love of a care bear stare. I wonder if this truth, this realization that left me devastated (in the eyes of a 5 year old) is why the idea of religion or faith or a higher being seems impossible. Shortly after or maybe even before this I realized most likely I would outlive my parents. This just about destroyed me and brings me great grief and worry to this day.
Losing a family, any family, feels like a blow directly to the heart. The idea that this life as I know it is ever changing, growing, fleeting...it makes breathing hard.
Every night I get about 30 minutes snuggled up to Charlie alone. He reads his book to me for 15 and then I read Harry Potter to him for 15. It is amazing the small priceless moments that are created when two family members can take time out of their day. Last week he paused in the middle of my reading and said: "Mommy, will I live longer than you?" I said, "Yes, you most likely will. I hope you will. You are younger." Tears welled up in his eyes and he said: "That sucks" and I said: "It sure does honey. But we have a long life of reading to each other and loving each other."
He didn't sit and sob for hours on end (at least that is how I remember it) like I remember doing when I had this realization. But sharing a sacred moment with my son revolving around the same fears I had a young child and even as an adult was sad and very touching.
I feel for those who do not have strong women close by. People who don't have family to fear losing. I am forever grateful that this powerful mama circle was created years ago. That I have friends that know me on deeper levels than I even know myself. I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to process feelings and fears of loss with women who walk along side me through wondrous life.

Alex 2 years 5 months

Naptime:
Alex: Lookit, look out der. It yunny (sunny). It yight (light). I seep (sleep) when its dark, not yight (light)
Me: We take naps in the day when it is light outside. We go to bed at night when it is dark for a longer sleep.
Alex: Lookit, it light. I not seep (sleep) when it light.
Me: Yes you do.
Alex: I done wit you. I tell you a million dillion times. You not yisten. I done wit you. (he then fell asleep for 2 hours)

Argument over afternoon snack:
Alex: I want peanut butter and apple. I hungreeee
Me: I don't have peanut butter. I have cheese and crackers and trail mix if you are hungry
Alex: I got a good idea.
Me: Yeh?
Alex: Yeh! And then he runs over to me and kicks me.
Me: Ouch! That was your idea?
Alex: yes
Me: But that hurt. And I love you.
Alex. I hate you.
10 minutes later
Alex runs up and gives me a beautiful smile, hug and kiss and says: I love you
Me: But you just kicked me. I thought you didn't like me
Alex: Just cuz I kicked you doesn't me I don't love you

These are just two examples of the smart, witty, silly, verbal kid I get to spend most of my time with. Today I had the pleasure of 10 hours of just us. He played at the gym daycare while I worked out, we went to new leaf and picked up a few yummy snacks and then I took him to the mall. It was his first time in his life. I took two adorable pictures of him but erased them as I am trying to make room for the newest iphone update. He couldn't believe what he saw. It was my first time in a mall in forever as well. My work ipad died and I had to get a new one. He was beside himself with cuteness and joy. We walked into the apple store and once he caught the music he started swaying his hips. There were many giggles. He must have really felt the music because his hips were swinging side to side like I have never seen before.

After that we went to a Halloween store and he followed me around as I found the costume.

He may talk nonstop and wear me out verbally but how I am so lucky to once again have such a happy, healthy, together, well-balance toddler I will never understand. A multi-hour adventure. 3 stores. no stroller.

Alex isn't into to toys. Once in a while he will play with some cars and a parking garage. Mostly he jumps off the couch, follows me around, comes up with great ideas like kicking me for peanut butter.
He is my third and final. my baby. my big boy. my alex and I adore him.