Hard days and Happy Endings

My two and a half week streak came to a grounding halt a few days ago. Two and a half weeks of awesome days, tender moments, many smiles, silly moments, good food, clean rooms, and happy campers. I am not complaining. I will take almost 3 weeks of greatness in exchange for a few hard days anytime. 

Parenting is such a reflective career, and Charlie has put all my patience and creativity to a test. I am not proud to announce that Thursday could have been my hardest day in a long time. And what got me through the endless meltdowns, tantrums, and chaos was the thought of a massage and a dinner out with out amazing moms. I got the massage, and that was so nice. But I never got to meet up with my friends. Instead I spent the night crying and hurt. Angry at myself for yelling so much at Charlie, and just down right defeated.

I forgave myself, had some great talks with adam about my struggles, and read some great articles and I am feeling refreshed.

Charlie has been such a wonderful little person his whole life ( all almost 3 years of it), we never hit terrible twos (not sure if there is such a thing) and the tantrums he did have can always be traced back to situations that are beyond his control: being sick, tired, hungry, or the baby getting too much attention. So it has been throwing me a bit off kilter the past few months when we have had days where he has hit, fell apart, and screamed 10 times before 9 am. Of course there have only been a handful of those days, but needless to say they are challenging.

I am proud to say that last Thursday was my first time ever really yelling at charlie. and hopefully it won't become a habit, but it sure didn't change his behavior, rather it aggrevated it, and once we all calmed down he stated in the sweetest little boy voice: Mommy, please don't ever yell at me again. Ok Charlie, I will try. I hated that I yelled throughout the day. I usually cane mantain my composure. Take deep breaths and give him the comfort, understanding and love that he needs to regain his ownself.

But this day I couldn't. I was tired and depleted. 10 hour days are hard. Especially without breaks. And Kate as wonderful as she is, isn't this baby that naps off in her carseat anymore. She has more spunk that I could have ever imagined. Stealing Charlie's toys, biting him when she is mad, demanding as much attention as the next toddler. And I have been focused on turning my Nos to Yes's. Yes you can play tennis, Yes charlie we can paint, do play dough, take two walks a day, go here, go there. Yes Kate we can eat again. Yes I will play with you. Yes Charlie you can wash the dishes...and I love the positive energy that it creates, but it is tiring. And after 3 years maybe I want a little vacation alone, or with adam. Maybe I want more than an hour away. Maybe I want a job, or even just a few hours a week to help set up and create all the projects we are doing. Prep time. Do they give you that as a stay home mom.

So Charlie. I am sorry that I yelled and was not myself last thursday, but I assure you that it has redirected me and my parenting, and I am reading, thinking, writing, and talking about what we can all do better to better support and help you. Bare with me. I love you!

Charlie's new found love

Maybe I am a little too trusting of our 700 dollar camera. But how can I resist his sweet smile. He extends his hand out and says, Pass me the camera please.....my heart melts and I pass him this huge black camera that he can hardly handle.

I think I have figured out what I want to get him for his birthday. Adam seems to think a bike bell will be enough to celebrate our baby boy turning 3, strange coming from a man who bought him this huge ass ATV when he turned 2, and then went out one day and came back with

a 200 dollar bike for xmas.

This is Charlie's first photo shoot and he loved every second of it. It reminded me of this wonderful documentary, can't remember the name of course, of very poor children becoming part of an amazing photography group in Iraq...

Charlie isn't able to use the tiny view finder, so just points and clicks and hopes for the best. By the end he got the hang out it.

He was very excited about this one, it popped up on the little screen and he said, WOW MOMMY THE FLOOR, my mom would be proud as her favorite thing in the world besides her grandchildren is her floor.

 MY MONKEY BLANKET!

AWW, LILY (this are direct quotes) (Lily was embarrassed to let her bad side be photographed)

 

He wanted to catch me saying his favorite thing to hear: Charlie, I Love you SOOOOO much! If this is what my face looks like everytime I say it, maybe it is not the words he loves to hear, but this incredibly ridiculous face

 This is a great shot. Good job Charlie, now you got the hang out it!

Now we may never be able to take out the camera, Charlie just woke up from his nap, ran in here grabbed the camera still connected to the computer and said, It works. It has batteries. See after we let him take a few shots we have to lie (gasp) and tell him the batteries are dead and need to be charged. Does that make me a bad mom?

Rhythms, Rhythms, Rhythms

I am really happy with the way our days and weeks are shaping out. Not only do the children crave and need structure, but so do I. I am not one for strict schedules...never got either of my children on a set nursing or nap schedule, but over the past few weeks I have really thought about, experimented, and developed daily routines and rhythms that I am quite proud of. 

Ever since Kate was born and I stopped working my main goal was to get out of the house every. single. day. We went to my parents' house, to the park, the bluffs, the dm, playgroups, for walks, the zoo...It was chaotic and tiring but very fun and rewarding. The first 9 months of Kate's live I was happiest when I was out and about. It was as if once outside in the fresh air my attitude suddenly improved, I couldn't feel sorry for myself for having two young kids all day by myself, instead I had to focus on keeping them happy, safe, and close by. Quite an accomplishment when your second child is born before your first child can follow directions, truly communicate, walk safely on a sidewalk....

Ever since October when we moved back into to Filbert street I starting thinking more about my days, and how I can make them as smooth as possible, while at the same time giving Charlie hours and hours of outside play, keeping the house in decent shape, having meals made, snacks prepped, playtime with the kids, yada yada yada. 

So to make a long not so interesting story short this is what I came up with, this is my routine, and it works very well for us, for now....I am sure in a few months the kids needs will change and so will our routine.

6:30 Wake up, cuddles, stories, and greet the day...

7:00 Make breakfast (with the help of four little hands), and clean the kitchen...Kids play/help

8:00 Focus switches to straightening up rooms, getting everyone dressed, and of course so time is spent just sitting on the floor building together, playing cars, or reading.

9:00 Get ready to depart (a few days a week Charlie goes downstairs to watch Curious George with my mom

9:30-11:30 Outside having fun

                    Mondays: I watch my neighbors kids and 4 or 5 kids run around and have fun

                  Tuesdays: Charlie's age playgroup

                    Wednesdays: Kate's age playgroup

                    Thursdays: Nature walk (bike, walk, park, bluffs..whatever we feel like

                   Friday: Kids next door. I get to workout and spend 1.5 hours alone...amazing!

11:30-12:00 Lunch

12:00-1:00 Quiet play inside, or if kids still have energy we play in backyard

1:00-3:00 Nap

3:00-3:30 Snack and inside play

3:30-4:00 Play dough, paint, montessori projects

4:00 Either park, bike ride, or backyard

5:00 ADAM GETS HOME!!!!! 

5:30 Dinner

6:30 Bath

7:00 Bedtime begins

8:30 Freedom at last. Baby falls asleep by 730, but Charlie, man that kid wants to talk forever about his day, and of course we have to tell a bunch of stories before he settles down for sleep.

Can you tell I am a teacher? On top of this I get to workout Mon, Wed, and Fri mornings, and the kids after 15 months LOVE the daycare, so they get to have fun, play with new kids, and new toys while I get to workout.

Maybe it sounds like a crazy set schedule, but it really isn't. The thing I have discovered is that taking care of your house is an all day thing, and that the kids enjoy helping and should help. We try to clean/pick up toys throughout the day right before leaving to go in the backyard, or out and about. 

It is a work in progress, but so far so good. We all know what comes next, and both kids get plenty of mom time, dad time, outside time, and inside time. I don't worry about cleaning because it is incorporated into our daily rhythm.

ok. enough. Just wanted to see it all in writing, and have it written down for when I am old and grey and have forgotten everything I have done with the kids

Iphone Photojournal of our last few weeks

After months of watching Charlie paint and wanting in on the action, Kate finally got her own paintbrush. After about 20 minutes of absolute heaven Kate had finished her first piece of artwork, painted most of her face and had a little sampling of what blue paint tastes like:

She is a quick study and after licking her paintbrush she asked for a popsicle instead, great for teething. This is my lastest and greatest trick: Make fruit pops with kids in the am (throw in some avocado or broccoli or peas), and then give it to them at some point in the day when you really need to unload dishes or make a meal without "help". I actually have set Charlie up with a pop at the table and then put Kate down for a nap.

We have been learning more about Waldorf families and have been sticking to a daily/weekly rhythm. It works so well for all of us. Part of that rhythm everyday is so spend time in our backyard. Charlie climbs the tree, gardens, plays baseball, tennis, and basketball. Kate, well she...eats snails, sucks on rocks, puts dirt on her head, and picks flowers....

Those of you that have seen Charlie in the past few weeks know that he really needs a haircut. He says, "No Mommy! I like wild hair!" Yesterday while Maria was here he asked me, "Mommy, does Maria have wild hair too?" I am glad she didn't hear.

Kate's famous downward dog:

It is hard work making messes and this kid is nothing but energy from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m., Adam and I often find ourselves cracking up at his dances, races around the house and silly ways. We should probably be better about being firm and all, but damn this kid is so cute and funny.

And there is Kate too. She is more trouble than her brother, and poor gal we have been trying to get her to take one nap the same time as Charlie for months now. every so often I find her so tired laying down still playing. the other day, no joke, I knew it was time to leave the park because she was lying down in the sandbox with her eyes closed, don't think she was asleep, but you never know.

Part of our weekly rhythm is baking. Here we are making carrot cookies. This is common. Charlie is at the wonderful age where he can measure and stir and really focus, Kate...she likes to reach in and grab the goods....what a team!

We have also been doing some montessori projects around our house. Kate always throws a fit when Charlie starts in on one, so while Charlie was taking the longest nap in history I set Kate up with her own little transferring water project. She LOVED it, and I highly recommend you parents out there with extra time and energy (ya right!) learn about these types of projects. A few minutes and ordinary household items can occupy your tot for up to 30 minutes.

I know I am subjective but believe me this kid is super coordinated. He learned how to bike super fast, and during a park visit he co-opted another kid's scooter and within minutes he was racing all around. I bet he will want to motorcycle before he is 10.

Had to throw this in there for Adam. He still can't believe I paid 60 bucks for 12 silk scarves but they are the most creative and favorite toy around our house.

Thursday is our nature adeventure day. Yesterday we took a two hour bike ride/walk. THe first half was amazing and as I took deep breaths of cool coastal air, I felt wonderfully energetic and thankful to be a full-time mom. The second half was a bit more trying. A good ways away from our home Charlie decided he wanted to walk and I was left pushing a sleeping kate in a stroller and carrying a heavy bike and making sure Charlie didn't "fall into the ocean" or get hit by a truck. Then just when I thought it couldn't get worse, Charlie decided he was too tired to even walk, and that I, being the super mom that I am, should push Kate, hold Charlie and carry the bike. I put my foot down. Charlie look...I am strong, probably stronger than your dad at this point but physically it is impossible to carry the bike, push the stroller and carry you. And I told him I can carry you but we will have to leave your bike here and most likely someone will take it. Not an idol threat. Two hours into this walk, where I had to speed walk to keep up with him, I was fully prepared to leave his 200 dollar bike behind, Sorry adam, but true. Needless to say he jumped right back on and headed home. Only a few stalls and falls from there to home sweet home.

Opening and closing jars project. Easy and cool!

This little girl is insane. She signs and talks so much, and is super silly and quite possibly the cutest thing ever. really. come hang out with her and you will see how wonderful she really is.

Workerman. Nonnie help make this construction vest.

Not a baby at all anymore, she loves to play cars, trucks, balls, kitchen anything and everything her brother does she does too.

Using his bike as a snack chair...

Bad Goat. After 20 minutes of making the goats chase her around (she was teasing them with food) Kate got trampled by a goat. I had a choice: make sure Charlie didn't go swimming with the goats, or make sure Kate survived her being run over by a goat. Call me crazy I chose Charlie and the water. When I turned back around several nice moms where picking up and comforting my daughters..looking at me like where the hell were you. Listen ladies when you have two kids too damn close together  you stretched thin...My son was falling in the water and despite swim lessons he really can't swim..and Kate is a second child. She is tough!

Is it any surprise why I named the baby after this wonderful woman. Look at her in native plant nursery and hot jeans. So cute! We love you Kate!

What a cutie!

Beautiful weather = Beach time

We often find Kate in her basket reading, and it reminds me of Charlie doing the same thing.

Walks to the park used to be a quick 10 minutes, now you may find us doing something like this for half an hour. Watching a bigger kid play bb.

This little girl LOVES her daddy, and throughout the day she stares out the window yelling daddeeee...every truck we sees she thinks it is daddy. But can you blame her? Look how cute he is, he works hard for us, plays hard with us, and is growing the best garden I have ever had!

Charlie has been out of diapers for about a month, with only 1 accident. Come to hmb and you might find Charlie peeing on a tree, in the backyard, in parking lot, or down a street drain. True. And I am proud of it!

I walked into the room and food this:

I know Charlie wasn't drinking out of a cup and using a fork and spoon to eat at this age....

I can't count how many hours I spend preparing food, making granola bars and muffins and just feeding these kids. I think they eat more than me.

Nothing but trouble, this girl

And this boy is so helpful, I think I am going love 3 (years not kids!)

Abby our neighbor, who Charlie spends  two mornings a week playing with. Infact, that is why I am able to sit here and spend an hour blogging, because the kids are next door playing :)

Last pic I promise. This is how it works with our kiddie pool. Kate brings things in, Charlie tosses them out. They really are a great team.

trucking along and random thoughts

Last night while sitting close to my sister on the couch she asked why I have not been blogging. I had to think about it. Honestly, I have been mothering in full force and that just leaves little time for organizing my pictures or thoughts into a cohesive and thoughtful post. Also it is funny how blogs work. They are online journals and sometimes you almost wish they were private, and then you can really post everything you thoughts, your concerns, dreams, frustrations, what you don't or can't understand, what you are proud of and how you are blossoming and changing by the moment. And just when these stories are on the tips of my tongue, just when my fingers want so badly to write it down.....I start to waver in my convictions. What if the only way that you can express your worldview, your parenting philosophies, your way of life is through a blog, what if there are people reading that don't take the time to be with you, and you write something they may take the wrong way or judge...and..well...you get it.

So I just tell those closest to me what my life is like, where my thoughts go, and then once in a while when adam is playing in the backyard with the kids, and the house is clean, dinner is made, wine is flowing, and music is inviting I find my way back to the computer...and a post is made.

So there Kate that is why I don't always post. But I am guessing that as my children grow and are able to play together more independently I will be able to...gasp...blog while they are awake. 

Happy Mother's Day to me:

What I love about being a mother:

1. Being woken up in the middle of the night by my son Charlie so he can tell me he loves me.

2. The stillness in the house around 8:30 when both kids are asleep and I got through another day.

3. Watching Charlie fall off his bike hard the first time he tried to ride it, and when suggesting to him we could try another day he replied, "No I do it again all by my-yelf.

4. Watching Kate learn new words and signs daily, watching her do her silly walk, drunk walk, and happy dance moves.

5. Listening Charlie "read" books to me after over 3 years of reading to him (I started while preggers)

6. Watching my partner Adam and the kids run around and play soccer together in the backyard from the kitchen window

7. Having Charlie walk ME around the garden and show and tell me everything HE is growing: paragus, charrrrd, pototoes, beans, mommys flowers that you can't eat....

8. The way both kids stand at the window when I come home and then race to the gate when I walk through the door with the biggest smiles on their face.

9. When Charlie gives me pictures he draws with grandma and explains what they are, so proud.

10. Reflecting on what is hard and not working, and hearing Adam remind me that it is just a phase, all normal.

11. The way adam and I balance each other, agree on all of our parenting tactics: cosleeping, no yelling, no time-outs, playful parenting, guiding our children to sleep.

12. That every day is a new day and like with teaching attitude is everything.

13. The way Charlie asks me if I remember something, for example: mommy, do you remember hiking in Tahoe in the summer time?

14. The way Charlie rediscovered on his own how much he loves to play baseball and the way he has been SMACKING the ball hard out of the air.

15. Kate growing and changing everyday, running around calling out Charlie's name: CHAA WEEE, and the way her daddy is her favorite person in the world.

16. Playing hide and go seek with Charlie, really this game makes me giddy, it is silly how much fun I can have finding the best spot and then jumping out and startling Charlie.

17. Struggling between finding the balance between my own needs and health, the needs of the house, and my family...yes I love this part too.

18. Laying in bed at night and rather than thinking about what my son did wrong that day, thinking about what I could have done better.

19.  Taking my understanding and confidence of my place in this world and using it to help Charlie when his little world doesn't make sense

20. Learning to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, to pick my battles, and to cherish every moment that goes well.

There are days that are long. There are days that see tears. There are days when going back to work and letting someone else watch my children sounds great. But most of the time there are funny moments, endless laughter, looks of amazement shared between adam and myself at what we just witnessed, and nights of story-telling where Charlie and I tell stories together. There are mornings where Kate wakes up, gets off her bed and races to mine for cuddles. Times where Charlie races to Kate who fell down and says, "your ok, your tough, get up!" Times where he says poor baby if she is crying, and are you ok, mommy when I seem tired or defeated. 

I love my little family more than anything. I am one lucky mom!