on days like today

What do you do on days like today? When Charlie throws toys, kicks toys, and hits his sister a million times (even if each one is super light and doesn't hurt)

What do you do when you wake up tired, even though you have slept a sufficient amount of hours. You wake up and your get up and go got up and  went....far away. When your mood changes and you feel bummed that you spend 14 hours each day every day being a mom, and just a mom. What do you you feel burned out and it is only Tuesday? 

You cry. 

Fake it till you make it. Charlie seemed to notice, I could tell by his frequent, "You ok, mommy?" "You happy?" I tried to play trains, and silk scarves. I played soccer in the backyard, read books, made breakfast and lunch.....but I didn't have the normal gusto and zest for life that I usually have. 

See, in mothering, let alone stay home mothering, there are no breaks. I can't take 15 minutes to collect myself, I don't get a lunch break....I can't call in sick and spend all day reading in bed. And the worst part is that the kids pick up on it all, and C is so damn sensitive any change in my mood sets him off.

So here I am reflecting. 1 minute till adam comes home, thank god! and because he rocks I am going to take off for an hour, and do something. anything but be a mother (truthfully I will probably go buy wipes and groceries, but maybe not) Maybe I will have a drink alone at the bar and love that there is silence. Or maybe I will take a bike ride.

good riddens to this day....

Kate's words

This is so fun. She is so expressive.

Here are her words....I am sure I am leaving some off the list. 14.5 months and these words are legit:

bye bye

hi

yeh

no 

no no no no (if she is doing something she shouldn't)

mama

pa

dada

CHA (charlie)

doggie

yiyi (lilly)

truck

duck

baaa (bath)

wish (fish)

tha (that)

drive drive drive (so cute)

shoes (the other day she was in my room holding one of my shoes and saying mama choose (mom's shoes)

tooo (toast)

meow

tree

ball

touchdown

And she has about 25 signs, although she isn't using them as much as charlie did, my guess is because she has way more words than he did at this point.

It is really crazy to think in the next few months we will have two talking toddlers. Charlie and Kate are often found in a room in full conversation with each other. Very cute!

fussy baby

Most of you know that Kate is the happiest, sweetest, most active little tot around. So it shocked me and everyone around me to see her so fussy yesterday. 

Today was better for me and Charlie, but the baby carried on the torch. She was fussy all day, not really wanting to eat, always wanting to nurse, and ALWAYS wanting to be held. It made making pancakes, cleaning, and everything very challenging. I did get her down for two naps all alone, which is amazing. So.....

if she continues to be this fussy tomorrow I may have to do this......

Letter to my son

My dearest Charlie,

First of all I adore you. You are everything to me. Your zest for life, your energy, the way you want to discover everything around you. I love you with every ounce of my being. We are buds, best buds. We laugh together, snuggle together, play together, walk together, and adventure together. I know what we are doing now is just a phase and that this too shall pass, and please let it pass soon. I know it is your job to test me, to annoy your sister, to play "garbage man" all day long. I know it is a developmental stage. And I know it is a cry out for attention.

I am sorry that I don't always have the patience that I should. I am sorry that I often choose to make your bed, sweep the floor, do the dishes, or prep dinner instead of playing blocks with you. I apologize for being gone for 6 hours straight one day, and then another 3 the next morning. What you can't understand at this point is that I have a lot of doctor appointments right now, and that they are an hour away. And on top of that the baby has appointments, and that sometimes there are things in life that take me away from you. 

And that is ok. It is good for us. For the past 14 months I have been with you almost exclusively, and I am so grateful for that. But now there are times when it is good for us both for me to get things done. We will adjust, that i am sure of.

Hindsight is 20 20. You missed me because I was gone for two days in a row. You saw that I was giving the baby more attention that you. You know that sometimes the quickest way to get attention is to hit the baby, throw a toy, or yell. You don't have the verbal ability to ask me to sit down and talk about how you are feeling. I get that.

And I......I am busy. I have to cook three healthy home-made meals a day. I have to clean constantly. I have to be able to sit down and enjoy my morning cup of coffee. I will try to focus more on you. To spend more quality one on one time with you, because when we get to, I have so much fun.

I am sorry for feeling frustrated at you. I am sorry that I knew what you needed yesterday and was not  able to dig deep enough into myself to give it to you. I am sorry for putting myself and my anger first. I want you to know that I work very hard to guide you using gentle discipline, and truly honestly I am good at it. I almost never yell, have never been aggressive to you, and always give you the chance to join us in play when you are ready. We use gentle but firm voices, try to be as consistent as we can, and your father and I give you the benefit of the doubt, are reflective in our own parenting strategies, and constantly discuss what we can do from our end to make your days the most successful they can be.

We are not perfect either.

So Charlie, I want you to know that I love you, and everything you bring my way. Our most challenging days make me a better mom, wife, and person. I lay in bed at night next to you and think back to what I could have done better, I think about what things set you off, what actions on my part fed into your frustrations. I set intentions for the next day, I envision positive moments, and I smile thinking back on things you did and said that were adorable.

You have such a wonderful sense of humor already, you have a curiosity that is unmatched. You are sweet, loving, thoughtful, and smart.

 I will do my best to allow you moments and even days of being difficult. I will do my best to remember this is a stage, a piece of the puzzle, that all these moments both wonderful and hard make up who you are and who you will be. And that you testing me is necessary for both of our developments as loving and compassionate beings.

Each day is a blessing to us both...and we should always remember that. i love you Charlie and I know how much you love me to. Carpe Diem

14 months

The other day it dawned on me that little Kate is really growing up. Just yesterday I looked over at her standing at the window watching the school bus drive by and it really hit me, she isn't a baby anymore, she is a toddler, and as wonderfully exciting as that is, it is also a little sad.

 She is 14 months or as adam told me last night, almost 2. Last Monday when I shouted, GARBAGE TRUCK, Charlie came ripping by...tearing his way to the window. I smiled to myself as I continued to swiffer the floor. Right behind him came baby Kate, her arms flailing and her chubby legs and big belly rolling. She was running as fast as her little body would allow, trying desperately to get to her spot to see the garbage truck.

I remember not too long ago how she would stand there at the window, on her tiptoes, trying so hard to catch a glimpse of anything. How quickly it all changes.

I remember carrying her on my back while coloring or painting with Charlie. Now she asks to sit on my lap and grabs at his crayons and colors by herself (in between taking bites of the crayon)

She wants to have a snack, not to eat, but to run around the island while Lily chases her.

She wants to jump on the couch with her brother, stand in the kitchen helper and help cook, eat by herself using a fork and spoon, and more than anything she wishes she could join charlie downstairs when he goes to watch sesame street with mama.

not yet little, not yet.

Her understanding of directions and questions blows us away. She has 23 signs that she uses daily including: excuse me, thank you, cow, food, milk, more, water, dog, cat, bath, ball, tree, flower, sleep, book, monkey, giraffe, car.....and even has words: ball, touchdown, mama, pa, dada, lilly, doggie, no, yes, thank you ( the cutest thing ever, and a work in progress...sounds like tank ou). There are more than I am forgetting, but she really tries to say things, and really understands her brother. Just yesterday Adam and I walked into the playroom to both kids playing together with their animals. C was looking at K and saying, " know, I know...that is a gorilla." It was so cute.

I really don't take many pics these days. I have finally found my rhythm to mothering two young children, and there seems never to be time to whip out a big camera, so my options are limitted....but here are a few lately..

Walking and signing has given her a new lease on life. She loves to explore and sometimes I realize we spent more time outside than inside......

Chillaxing on our makeshift floor cushions.

This shirt says it all, she really does egg him on, cry sometimes when he just walks by, and has started reciprocating some of the hitting. We do a pretty good job of giving Charlie the benefit of the doubt, since we are pretty sure we have a little sarah burnheart on our hands.

About a month ago she decided she wanted in on the football games between Pa and C. Pa catches the ball and runs around the island...at the 40, at the 30, at the 20, at the 10, and then jumps onto the couch shouting Touchdown. C grabs the ball and yells at the 20, at the 20, at the 20 and finally Touchdown. Now Kate gets the ball and sprints around the island and yells TouchDown...it is priceless.

She is so damn cute I could just eat her up!

She is crazy about her dad, who isn't?

She spends most of her day in smiles....

It is hard to believe that she will just get bigger and bigger. At the beginning of this year I was so excited about having two toddlers, about having survived the first year and graduating on to bigger and better times with two tots, but this past week I started to feel like it is all going by too fast. In just a few months Charlie will be 3, or as he likes to tell me..."I growing up, I be like daddy. big daddy"

Happy 14 months Kate, you have brought more joy to your our lives than you will ever know. You are your brother's best friend, a true playmate. Your are the center of attention everywhere we go, and your silly walks, silly faces, silly laughs, and silly sounds brighten all of our days. We love you.

p.s. stop growing up so fast....

the weight of the world

she feels it sometimes, the weight of it all. of those around her who have less, who need more, and who just struggle to find balance. And she feels it so strongly. the weight of the world. the chaos of life swirls on by, toddlers laughing, babies crying, people wanting. tears of loved ones. she swims sometimes in tears of loved ones. she wishes life were so simple that she could do a carebear stare and help those around her rise. but that isn't how life works. She can smile and hope it is contagious. She can laugh and hope it is infectious. or she can hide.

she can just live day by day, focusing on her rhythms, her children, her life....

what I would like to happen right now...

..another cold beer to find its way to my hand

..dishes to be unloaded and reloaded

...a nutritious dinner to be made that both kids will love

...the toys I organize, and couch I make a thousand times a day to stay organized.

...my hair to stay curly even in the wind.

...to exercise (it has been 3 weeks :(

...a break from my wonderful children.

...to spend some quality time with adam

...for my family to be healthy and happy and with people that treat them well.

...a flat stomach

...crafting skills.

...healthy homemade snacks to feed my children.

...my happy baby back

is that too much to ask for, I deserve all of them, i really do