Letter to my son

My dearest Charlie,

First of all I adore you. You are everything to me. Your zest for life, your energy, the way you want to discover everything around you. I love you with every ounce of my being. We are buds, best buds. We laugh together, snuggle together, play together, walk together, and adventure together. I know what we are doing now is just a phase and that this too shall pass, and please let it pass soon. I know it is your job to test me, to annoy your sister, to play "garbage man" all day long. I know it is a developmental stage. And I know it is a cry out for attention.

I am sorry that I don't always have the patience that I should. I am sorry that I often choose to make your bed, sweep the floor, do the dishes, or prep dinner instead of playing blocks with you. I apologize for being gone for 6 hours straight one day, and then another 3 the next morning. What you can't understand at this point is that I have a lot of doctor appointments right now, and that they are an hour away. And on top of that the baby has appointments, and that sometimes there are things in life that take me away from you. 

And that is ok. It is good for us. For the past 14 months I have been with you almost exclusively, and I am so grateful for that. But now there are times when it is good for us both for me to get things done. We will adjust, that i am sure of.

Hindsight is 20 20. You missed me because I was gone for two days in a row. You saw that I was giving the baby more attention that you. You know that sometimes the quickest way to get attention is to hit the baby, throw a toy, or yell. You don't have the verbal ability to ask me to sit down and talk about how you are feeling. I get that.

And I......I am busy. I have to cook three healthy home-made meals a day. I have to clean constantly. I have to be able to sit down and enjoy my morning cup of coffee. I will try to focus more on you. To spend more quality one on one time with you, because when we get to, I have so much fun.

I am sorry for feeling frustrated at you. I am sorry that I knew what you needed yesterday and was not  able to dig deep enough into myself to give it to you. I am sorry for putting myself and my anger first. I want you to know that I work very hard to guide you using gentle discipline, and truly honestly I am good at it. I almost never yell, have never been aggressive to you, and always give you the chance to join us in play when you are ready. We use gentle but firm voices, try to be as consistent as we can, and your father and I give you the benefit of the doubt, are reflective in our own parenting strategies, and constantly discuss what we can do from our end to make your days the most successful they can be.

We are not perfect either.

So Charlie, I want you to know that I love you, and everything you bring my way. Our most challenging days make me a better mom, wife, and person. I lay in bed at night next to you and think back to what I could have done better, I think about what things set you off, what actions on my part fed into your frustrations. I set intentions for the next day, I envision positive moments, and I smile thinking back on things you did and said that were adorable.

You have such a wonderful sense of humor already, you have a curiosity that is unmatched. You are sweet, loving, thoughtful, and smart.

 I will do my best to allow you moments and even days of being difficult. I will do my best to remember this is a stage, a piece of the puzzle, that all these moments both wonderful and hard make up who you are and who you will be. And that you testing me is necessary for both of our developments as loving and compassionate beings.

Each day is a blessing to us both...and we should always remember that. i love you Charlie and I know how much you love me to. Carpe Diem