for the doctors who dedicate their lives to medicine
to the freckled faced girls who bring about awareness
to the siblings who live intertwined lives
to the card tables who bring about laughter
for the boys and their smiles
to the space having a clean closet creates
for questions that become answered
to the light at the end of the tunnel.
for the friends whose hugs, love, and time mean everything
to the mother who survives against all odds
for the family friends far away cradling their babies
to the smile on the mountain's face
from the dog's eager tailing wagging
to the glass of wine at 4 shared with a friend I can call family
to the boy and his new tennis shirt and hat carrying his too big bag onto the courts
to the girl with her perfect body and brown boots strutting her stuff
to the man I married driving up in his too loud truck that makes the kids giddy at the sound
from the nervousness of preparing my first passover dinner
to the excitement of hosting something I consider meaningful in my too small understocked house
for the women who cares so lovingly for my littlest son
to the mom I can call and tell "my every little thing"
from the text today that brightening my day and perspective
to the dad who files my taxes
to the power nap I snuck in
for the community of half moon bay and all of its glorious people
I thank you.
For today is a bright day. One filled with hope and love.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The sun is shining. The mountain resting so calmly in the background of my life. The ocean seemed so inviting this morning. As I drove up the coast I studied every gentle wave wash upon the shore that is my home. My heart felt full of love. and fear. For today my mom goes under general anesthesia and has her first of three lung procedures. We truly hope that this will be the beginning of a better life for her and therefore us all.
We have not touched my mom since December. We no longer drop by her house, my dad no longer watches Alex. We have tightened our bubble, something Berkowitzes don't do. And we have done it all for today. The kids don't snuggle in her nook. I don't hug her and we barely see each other except for at sports events outside. We have kept her safe from viruses in hopes that her body will grow strong enough to endure this procedure. The past few years have been harder than any of my life. 5 actually. I have brought babies into this world and then sat alone holding those babies while my mom was fighting for her life in a hospital. I have spent hours and hours curled up crying in bed after receiving terrible news. My mind has been battling the beauty of life and the unfairness of a wonderful woman robbed of her health.
So today......I walk around with the hope that tomorrow will bring a better life for us all. Because living in fear and isolation has taken its toll on all of us.
Charlie marched happily off the school after a fun morning here. Kate and Alex giggle on the deck together. My wonderful world of women have been texting all morning sending their love and best wishes.
I feel surrounded by a community who knows me, loves me, and cares ever so deeply about my mom.
I have a husband I grow deeper and deeper connected to with each passing day.
I have siblings close by whom I cherish, adore, and look up to.
I have a dad who brings me more calmness, wisdom, and love than I can put in words.
I have a mom whose strength, courage, will to survive, and unconditional love is inspirational to us all.
I have a calmness about me today. Because I know that everything we have sacrificed. Every sleepless night. Every struggle for life. Every hospitalization visit. Every trip to the ER. Every fear will begin to be put to rest.
Today I will cherish every smile, laugh, silly moment with my children. That will be my saving grace.
We have not touched my mom since December. We no longer drop by her house, my dad no longer watches Alex. We have tightened our bubble, something Berkowitzes don't do. And we have done it all for today. The kids don't snuggle in her nook. I don't hug her and we barely see each other except for at sports events outside. We have kept her safe from viruses in hopes that her body will grow strong enough to endure this procedure. The past few years have been harder than any of my life. 5 actually. I have brought babies into this world and then sat alone holding those babies while my mom was fighting for her life in a hospital. I have spent hours and hours curled up crying in bed after receiving terrible news. My mind has been battling the beauty of life and the unfairness of a wonderful woman robbed of her health.
So today......I walk around with the hope that tomorrow will bring a better life for us all. Because living in fear and isolation has taken its toll on all of us.
Charlie marched happily off the school after a fun morning here. Kate and Alex giggle on the deck together. My wonderful world of women have been texting all morning sending their love and best wishes.
I feel surrounded by a community who knows me, loves me, and cares ever so deeply about my mom.
I have a husband I grow deeper and deeper connected to with each passing day.
I have siblings close by whom I cherish, adore, and look up to.
I have a dad who brings me more calmness, wisdom, and love than I can put in words.
I have a mom whose strength, courage, will to survive, and unconditional love is inspirational to us all.
I have a calmness about me today. Because I know that everything we have sacrificed. Every sleepless night. Every struggle for life. Every hospitalization visit. Every trip to the ER. Every fear will begin to be put to rest.
Today I will cherish every smile, laugh, silly moment with my children. That will be my saving grace.
Friday, March 15, 2013
me
Has it really been since December 11th that I have posted? I have had requests to put up a post, and brief moments when I have felt inspired to post. But as many things these days urges have come and gone and moments turn to days which turn to weeks and months...and bam 1/4 of a year goes by and no post.
I watch my kids frequently drag the two blog books over to the couch and marvel at the words and ooh and ahh at the pictures and I can't help but to feel bad that Alex doesn't get the same stories and pictures in print as the others. And he is so deserving. So let us start with him.
Going from 2 to 3 kids was a risk and a jump. Here we had 2 beautiful, smart, silly, and amazing kids. One boy. One girl. Why mess with a good thing, right? Adam felt content, happy, full, done. I pushed for one more. hard. for over a year. And now we have Alex. 22 months today.
Alex.
I can sit and soak up every ounce of this child's being. He is charismatic, so incredibly aware, smart, verbal, and just so silly. He walks into the room and with the most cute face will say things like: Hug me baby. Everyone is blown away by his incredibly vocabulary. He talks in long full sentences all the time. He calls himself Allah and has so much to bring to this world. "Allah go outyide, ride bike street" is something we hear often. Or "charlie school. daddy work. Charlie tennis courts". He is the biggest love bug ever. And with every hug, kiss, and squeeze my heart is so aware that he is my last little being. I truly cherish reading to him. I adore playing rollie pollie, tennis, soccer, trains, and just about everything with him. He continues to adore his sister and brother. A few times a week when I am not driving to this sport or that school, when I am not working, or at some extra curricular activity, I witness something so special. Kate takes on this amazing mothering role. She leads Alex from one room to the next. Her voice a notch higher than usual. "No, no, no alex...let's not play in the bathroom, it isn't safe. But we can play trains in my room" She holds his hand often and leads him from one kind of play to the next. A mother in training. Or perhaps a great friend in training.
Charlie adores Alex just as much as the amazing first day home from the hospital. He makes him laugh. Wrestles with him and is very sweet as he lets Alex pin him morning after morning. While Charlie is at school Alex is often found at the glass door saying: "Charlie school. Allah Charlie home." He waits for his big brother everyday.
Charlie
My first boy is growing up. It has honestly been hard the past two years coming to terms with the new role Charlie is playing in our lives. From 3-5 Charlie gave us so much joy and love. He also taught me patience, acceptance, and how to be more flexible. Around 5 we truly realized, or perhaps it was more that he was finally old enough, that sports needed to be his biggest outlet. Once we found this out and embraced it, charlie became a new person....or maybe it was us that changed. And now for the past 1.5 years I have felt like I lost him to sports. But it isn't so. I have gained an entire community from his tennis, soccer, and baseball. And there is no place I would rather be in the world than watching him hit tennis balls or play a baseball or soccer game. This week was early release week. I picked him up every day at 1. His only request was for me to drop him off at the tennis courts to play tennis. Alex often napped in the car for a good hour and I got to watch him move around the courts. We couldn't peel him off the courts until close to 7. I am elated that he has found this passion. I wish I were rich and could give him everything he needs to reach his dreams. But I have missed him. Between school and sports I have rare moments with him. It has been a long week full of thoughts and frustrations over the lack of one on one time with my son. But now that it is Friday night I have come to the realization that playing sports with his buddies is what makes him happy and whole. And so I am happy and whole as well. And I just need to cherish the moments I do get to spend with him.
Kate
She has been quite the delightful 5 year old. She continues to be silly and spunky. She has her moments of crankiness but I have learned to accept it rather than change it. I see parents fight tooth and nail "bad behavior" and it is possible it really works for them. It doesn't for me. What works for me is to constantly "try" to model the right behavior, attitude, and response. I rarely am perfect at this and will never expect a child to do any better than an adult. And when I just accept her moments of feeling off....she comes right around and is so amazingly beautiful and smart and caring. I can just hold her strong adorable body all day long. and do. Some days go by and I find myself cuddled all day with her. cooking together, reading together, laughing over jokes only other adults would grasp. And then days pass where I am working or distracted or she is playing at friends....and I know that that is how life goes. She is growing up too.
Adam
Adam continues to be the love of my life. He is fun to talk to and I truly cherish our evenings together even if I am working and he is watching a surf tournament. We sit side by side and share everything under the sun with each other in between big sets and my reports. He has been playing way more tennis than usual and I love it. He is working his arse off at work and there seems to be no waves for him to enjoy and yet he comes home with a smile and helps with the kids and around the house. I hope in our not to distant future we can have some time to enjoy each others company...perhaps another Yosemite backing trip.
Me.
I think this is something to brag about but for the first time in my 34 years I have said to a few friends after the New Year...that 2013 can suck it. My mom has struggled with her health. She has had too many trips to the ER in an ambulance. Two times ago she was in septic shock, had a central line, and I suffered several hours thinking she wouldn't be ok. There is no worse feeling, I assure you. There have been other things this year that have led me to believe that my luck in life and love and family has turned for the worse. But despite all the pain and unknowns I have realized very important things. I can honestly say I have never felt more close to Adam or more like a team with him. We have worked together in emotional ways and practical ways and I am thankful for that. We are surrounded by friends we consider family that know and love our children. In fact as I type 3 extra kids are here sleeping. Our second sleepover with three of Kate and Charlie's friends. It was amazingly fun and easy. Work is ok. This year has been full of surprises as I work for 16 different families. I look forward to the summer when the work emails calm down and every day and night isn't filled with reports, emails, POs, and correspondence with vendors.
Then...maybe I can blog.
Ok. That is me the past three months. Working. Shuttling one kid or another from school to sport. Trying to keep a clean house and healthy food cooked. All with a smile on my face. And forgiving myself for my more moody moments. Striving and trying to also adapt to my new normal.
I watch my kids frequently drag the two blog books over to the couch and marvel at the words and ooh and ahh at the pictures and I can't help but to feel bad that Alex doesn't get the same stories and pictures in print as the others. And he is so deserving. So let us start with him.
Going from 2 to 3 kids was a risk and a jump. Here we had 2 beautiful, smart, silly, and amazing kids. One boy. One girl. Why mess with a good thing, right? Adam felt content, happy, full, done. I pushed for one more. hard. for over a year. And now we have Alex. 22 months today.
Alex.
I can sit and soak up every ounce of this child's being. He is charismatic, so incredibly aware, smart, verbal, and just so silly. He walks into the room and with the most cute face will say things like: Hug me baby. Everyone is blown away by his incredibly vocabulary. He talks in long full sentences all the time. He calls himself Allah and has so much to bring to this world. "Allah go outyide, ride bike street" is something we hear often. Or "charlie school. daddy work. Charlie tennis courts". He is the biggest love bug ever. And with every hug, kiss, and squeeze my heart is so aware that he is my last little being. I truly cherish reading to him. I adore playing rollie pollie, tennis, soccer, trains, and just about everything with him. He continues to adore his sister and brother. A few times a week when I am not driving to this sport or that school, when I am not working, or at some extra curricular activity, I witness something so special. Kate takes on this amazing mothering role. She leads Alex from one room to the next. Her voice a notch higher than usual. "No, no, no alex...let's not play in the bathroom, it isn't safe. But we can play trains in my room" She holds his hand often and leads him from one kind of play to the next. A mother in training. Or perhaps a great friend in training.
Charlie adores Alex just as much as the amazing first day home from the hospital. He makes him laugh. Wrestles with him and is very sweet as he lets Alex pin him morning after morning. While Charlie is at school Alex is often found at the glass door saying: "Charlie school. Allah Charlie home." He waits for his big brother everyday.
Charlie
My first boy is growing up. It has honestly been hard the past two years coming to terms with the new role Charlie is playing in our lives. From 3-5 Charlie gave us so much joy and love. He also taught me patience, acceptance, and how to be more flexible. Around 5 we truly realized, or perhaps it was more that he was finally old enough, that sports needed to be his biggest outlet. Once we found this out and embraced it, charlie became a new person....or maybe it was us that changed. And now for the past 1.5 years I have felt like I lost him to sports. But it isn't so. I have gained an entire community from his tennis, soccer, and baseball. And there is no place I would rather be in the world than watching him hit tennis balls or play a baseball or soccer game. This week was early release week. I picked him up every day at 1. His only request was for me to drop him off at the tennis courts to play tennis. Alex often napped in the car for a good hour and I got to watch him move around the courts. We couldn't peel him off the courts until close to 7. I am elated that he has found this passion. I wish I were rich and could give him everything he needs to reach his dreams. But I have missed him. Between school and sports I have rare moments with him. It has been a long week full of thoughts and frustrations over the lack of one on one time with my son. But now that it is Friday night I have come to the realization that playing sports with his buddies is what makes him happy and whole. And so I am happy and whole as well. And I just need to cherish the moments I do get to spend with him.
Kate
She has been quite the delightful 5 year old. She continues to be silly and spunky. She has her moments of crankiness but I have learned to accept it rather than change it. I see parents fight tooth and nail "bad behavior" and it is possible it really works for them. It doesn't for me. What works for me is to constantly "try" to model the right behavior, attitude, and response. I rarely am perfect at this and will never expect a child to do any better than an adult. And when I just accept her moments of feeling off....she comes right around and is so amazingly beautiful and smart and caring. I can just hold her strong adorable body all day long. and do. Some days go by and I find myself cuddled all day with her. cooking together, reading together, laughing over jokes only other adults would grasp. And then days pass where I am working or distracted or she is playing at friends....and I know that that is how life goes. She is growing up too.
Adam
Adam continues to be the love of my life. He is fun to talk to and I truly cherish our evenings together even if I am working and he is watching a surf tournament. We sit side by side and share everything under the sun with each other in between big sets and my reports. He has been playing way more tennis than usual and I love it. He is working his arse off at work and there seems to be no waves for him to enjoy and yet he comes home with a smile and helps with the kids and around the house. I hope in our not to distant future we can have some time to enjoy each others company...perhaps another Yosemite backing trip.
Me.
I think this is something to brag about but for the first time in my 34 years I have said to a few friends after the New Year...that 2013 can suck it. My mom has struggled with her health. She has had too many trips to the ER in an ambulance. Two times ago she was in septic shock, had a central line, and I suffered several hours thinking she wouldn't be ok. There is no worse feeling, I assure you. There have been other things this year that have led me to believe that my luck in life and love and family has turned for the worse. But despite all the pain and unknowns I have realized very important things. I can honestly say I have never felt more close to Adam or more like a team with him. We have worked together in emotional ways and practical ways and I am thankful for that. We are surrounded by friends we consider family that know and love our children. In fact as I type 3 extra kids are here sleeping. Our second sleepover with three of Kate and Charlie's friends. It was amazingly fun and easy. Work is ok. This year has been full of surprises as I work for 16 different families. I look forward to the summer when the work emails calm down and every day and night isn't filled with reports, emails, POs, and correspondence with vendors.
Then...maybe I can blog.
Ok. That is me the past three months. Working. Shuttling one kid or another from school to sport. Trying to keep a clean house and healthy food cooked. All with a smile on my face. And forgiving myself for my more moody moments. Striving and trying to also adapt to my new normal.
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