It was the longest and worst 6 hours of my life. Hands down. It was a feeling I wouldn't wish upon anyone. The mixture of feeling so lost, so scared. The kind of hurt and heartbreak that physically hits your heart like a dagger. I changed locations in my house nonstop. From couch to chair to floor to other couch. At my darkest minutes I sat on the floor outside of my bedroom. The cold wall cradling my weak body. I tried to stay strong for my eldest son who was home. I tried to continue on with our lessons but the tears wouldn't stop. I waited for them to end, thinking over and over that if I just let it all out, they will dry up. 6 hours of nonstop crying...at times a gentle and steady flow of sadness dripping from the soul of my being, at other times the loud sobbing that no one should have to hear. Charlie did his best to carry on. He played outside giving me space, he tried to continue his schoolwork without me. At one point he saw me laying on the couch and laid directly on top of me. The way he did when he was under one and getting ready for his nap. When the emotions got too hard for him he went into his room. I could hear the silent crying coming from his room.
I reached out to so many people in those 6 hours. Hoping that with each text or call I would feel more support and love and therefore the fear and pain would lessen. Despite being surrounded by loving family and friends, the more I searched for support the more I realized that all the love and support in the world couldn't ease the pain of the possibility of losing my mom.
When I contacted Julia (my mom's best friend and soul sister) she simply stated, "Sarah, what's in your head?" I listed all my fears and feelings. That my mom wouldn't pull through this time. That she is in pain and miserable. That she has a really shitty lot in life.
In those 6 hours I not only imagined what pain I would feel without my mom, but the weight of my dad's sadness took hold of me too. I pictured Josh's wedding day. How he would feel without mom to witness this amazing love and life he has carved out for himself. I imagined the future grandchildren that would never meet the most giving, present, loving, and wise grandmother anyone could ask for. I thought of all the years she would miss.
I want my mom to see Charlie live up to his amazing potential. I want my mom to watch Kate and all of her brilliance and beauty unfold. I want my mom to witness Alex continue to grow into the funny, loving, and sweet young boy he is. I still have so much growing and learning to do. I am not ready to go at it alone.
My mom is the first person I call when I am happy, sad, confused, frustrated, hurt, and excited. I hold on to her every word because it is true gold. She is most generous person I have ever met. She lives her life without judgement. She is entirely selfless. And she is so incredibly smart. Her take on everything from small problems to huge feelings is spot on. She is a fighter. The strongest woman you will ever meet. Given an unfair life yet always making the best of it.
I felt great despair Friday knowing how miserable she was. I knew her time here wasn't up and yet everything seemed to spiral downhill quickly. Darkness over came me. I called my sister and future sister in law hysterically. I contacted some friends out of desperation. My dad's text to us three kids saying that mom is very sick and would like to see all of us that day sparked a panic and pain I have never felt before. Adam immediately came home and just seeing his loving face and having his strong arms hug me gave me the strength to calm down. My brother and sister picked me up and I am not sure if in fact my tears finally did run out, or Josh and Kate gave me strength, or knowing that I would soon see my mom helped me dig deep and pull myself together. Maybe it was a combination of it all. For the first time all day I felt a bit of relief.
I spent maybe 7 minutes by my mom's side. She managed to get out a few sentences but it was clear she needed to sleep. I didn't tell her all the things I wanted to and will forever be grateful that I still have that chance. Her vitals stabilized, the meds did their job, and she pulled through. Again. We continue to be amazed at her strength, drive to survive, and ability to endure.
So mom I want you to know that I look back over 36 years of being your daughter and feel like every moment of every day has been a gift. You have showered me with unconditional love, humor, compassion, companionship, and guidance as a kid, teenager, young adult, and now as a mother. From you I have learned that empathy and honesty are imperative to living a life full of compassion and love. I have learned that life isn't always fair but that we have a choice to still live it to its fullest, to make the most of hard situations. You have taught me to truly savor every moment with my children. You have been my sounding board through 3 children and 8 years. You have showed me by example how to be a loving and devoting wife, a caring and gentle mom, and a true friend. I have watched you stand beside all of us during our darker moments, never giving up on our pursuit of happiness, never questioning our ability to be healthy and happy. I have watched you know and love each of my beautiful children. I see the way your face lights up when they enter the room. You really are their biggest fan. I love how you love their bad behavior and see it as cute, yet stand by me firmly when they cross the line. I love how much you love Adam. I have said this before, you are the matriarch of our amazing family. You are our sun, our rock, our anchor.
Thank you mom for once again not giving up. We aren't done loving you, needing you, learning from you. We have things we want to show you. More nights at smith, more soccer games, more family dinners in your backyard. We have weddings and births. We will surely have dark times ahead of us too. We will need your guiding love, your endless support, and your humor to get us through. We have so much more life to share with you. So thank you for fighting as hard as you did. And please continue to do so. We love you more than I think you even know. You are our everything.
