Dearest Charlie,
Tomorrow you turn 2. Actually, in just over 4 hours. I can hardly type it without tearing up and getting that sting in my chest. That oh-it-is-hard-to-breathe sting. It will be years before you will be able to read this, and even more years before you will understand it. For years I dreamed of welcoming a baby into this world. I dreamed of holding, changing, nursing, and watching my baby grow. I really had no idea the adventure I was about to take. You have changed my life in ways I could never have imagined.
As an infant you were the most perfect and peaceful thing ever. You were so small and fit so nicely on my chest and in my arms. I hardly put you down. How could I? Your smell, sweet smiles, coos, the way you stroked my belly while nursing....why would I ever put you down. You slept on your dad's chest, grandma's chest, or my arms....just where you liked to sleep. And we fought off all the people who told us to put you down while you sleep. We knew the time would pass so quickly. And it did.
You were always the happiest baby, and I don't think anyone who met you now would ever question that. You continue to be the happiest, most confident, sweet and curious toddler.
Did you know that I miss you during the night. In that short time where you are asleep down the hall in Char Char's bed, I actually miss you. I miss you short body curled up to mine. Your hand so sweetly placed on my arm (or on my lips..if you are sneaky enough at night). And then sometime around 2 you somehow end up back in our bed, your bed. And with your sister on my right, you on my left, and your dad somewhere in the bed (the other night his head was down by feet) I feel the most complete.
I can't fathom you being two. We will have to reword our bragging lines.....he can catch a ball and he isn't even 2. He can jump and he isn't even 2. He can hit a ball off a tee, kick a soccer ball (even if you don't use your left foot), throw a spiral........you catch my drift.
Where did my time go, what happened to that little peanut I brought home from the hospital. You grew hair, starting talking, running, dancing, making jokes, telling stories, giving thumbs up, doing yoga for christs sake (compliments of Aunt Kate)......and as much as the 2 year old charlie is the absolute light of my life, I miss the baby Charlie. The big headed bald belly laughing, serious signing Charlie. And in 2 more years I will miss the 2 year old charlie. And then you will be 6, 8...and as my mom likes to remind me during my more challenging days, before I know it I will be putting you on a plane to Chicago. And that breaks my heart.
I won't lie, at times being a mother has been hard. I am tired, rarely have a moment to myself, have questioned whether I should nurse you on demand, put you in a crib against your will, slept next to you for naps...but your innocence and pure beauty has led me through the more difficult times. And I am more and more confident with every day about my decisions to follow gentle discipline and a more attached philosophy of parenting. Thank you for being patient with me. For trusting my intentions and kissing my tears when I am struggling. Life has changed so drastically, but I am entirely thankful for all these changes and for you.
And you with all of your energy and thirst for life have been the cause for this wondrous and at times tiring change.
You bring me such joy all day long. The way you get so silly. Your new dance moves. Your big blue eyes looking at me from across the room with such love in them. The way you dance for your sister so she'll laugh those big ole belly roars. The way you walk, oh you have so many walks these days. The low walk, the wide legged walk, the cool man strut. The way you practice jumping, dig holes, use your rake and shovel, ride your new mo mo, run up to me in the middle of playing and ask for a hug. Your sweet kisses, the way you get so close to me and whisper, hi mommy. the way you list everyone and everything you love and then do the love sign. the secret language of sign, sounds, and words that only your father and I understand. The way you treat your little friends. the way you love your daddy and grandparents. the way you concentrate for so long on anything you are working on. The way you get a washcloth wet and get down on your hands and knees to scrub the kitchen floor. the way you move furniture to vacuum.
As you can see I love everything about you. I love your sad and mad face, and want to help you work through your frustrations. I love your tantrums and meltdowns because I truly feel that you deserve all the space, respect, and patience that any human being does. I love your curiosity, love for lawn mowers, and love for family.
I love you, you are not just my son you are my friend. My closest friend because we are lucky enough to get to spend just about every moment with each other, and at just 2 you are an excellent companion. A great person to walk through life with.
And your sister watches you, Charlie. I know you know that because whether we are playing, riding in the car, or trying to all fall asleep I watch her watch you. And I watch you stop what you are doing to make eye contact with baby kate. And I watch you both smile at each other and make silly sounds, faces, and then you guys always bust out laughing. And you know what it reminds me of my sister and me and all the laughing we did as kids and continue to do as adults. I am so thankful that baby Kate is watching you, learning from you, and growing next to you. she really couldn't have a more playful, smart, curious, sweet, happy brother to learn from.
So happy birthday my love, thank you for coming into our lives. I look forward to many birthdays, and with each new year I will miss the last but eagerly await for all the new things we can and will experience together.
