Fostering Friendship Among Siblings

One of our greatest responsibilities as parents is to foster a lifelong friendship among our children. My parents did an amazing job of this as evidenced by Kate and Josh being two of my very closest friends. One of my mentors once said to me, "The relationship you have with your sister/brother will be one of the most important relationships of your life. In the end you will know your siblings longer than anybody else." Many of my friends have questioned my mom about how they parented us. I, too, have frequently asked her how she managed to work full-time, raise three kids, all the while maintaining such a peaceful home. The response that keeps coming up is that she and my father tried very hard to foster a close friendship built on trust, unconditional love, and respect for each of their children, but just as important they worked day and night to foster a friendship between myself, Kate, and Josh. They were very successful.

So now the challenge is on me and Adam. This is on my mind because of two separate incidents that happened in the last 24 hours. The first is a sweet one. While playing "garbage man" this morning Charlie found me in the kitchen and said, "I love Kate, she is the best friend I've ever had." Wonderful, except last night in the span of 30 minutes he pushed Kate off the couch backwards, and then while playing, laughing and tickling each other in bed he decided to bite her arm. He has never bitten anyone before, and mind you Kate went through a biting phase and bit Charlie countless times, but still Adam and I felt so disappointed, angry, and at a loss about Charlie's sudden aggression towards his sister. We each had a serious talk with him, and talked with each other about how tired Charlie is (this kid plays harder than anyone I know).

So far today no problems, and as I type in complete silence, both kids are napping. AHHHH

So how does one foster friendship between siblings. They often want the same toys at the same time, a fun game of chase can instantly turn into tears, and although it has improved greatly in the last year, they both want me and only me at the same time. Here is what works for me:

1. Quality time with each kid. While Charlie is in nursery school I try to focus on Kate, take her for walks, have her help me cook/clean, take her to the park. I try to spend some of that time talking with her and playing with her. When Kate naps and Charlie doesn't I try to spend that time one on one with him. If I am exhausted we curl up on the bean bag and watch Kipper (a cute show about a dog and his friends), if I have energy we do art, play games, puzzles and read. They are both better able to share me when they feel they have had their own time.

2. I try to encourage them to play together as much as possible. This morning Charlie asked if he can take his 5000 stuffed animals and put them in the garbage (the couch). I said, Yes, see if Kate can be a garbage girl and help you. They laughed and had the time of their lives racing back and forth from bedroom to the couch with they big cans of garbage.

3. Adam is better at this than me, but he has a very low tolerance for tattling. I remember growing up tattling was almost as much of an offense as the person being tattled on. I am trying (not easy) to not just step in and regulate, but to encourage each child to use their words and work it out.

4. Finally, I am constantly chalking each child up to the other. "Look at how silly Kate can be." "Wow Charlie is so fast, go run with him." It really does work.

Taking turn during spinning art.

working together to make magic happen