my son

Charlie update.

He has spunk. So much spunk. He struts around our house like he owns it, and he does. He wakes up before it is light outside and races to the gate at the top of the stairs separating my parents place from ours. Morning Mama, Morning Pa, he shouts. I quickly follow him baby hanging off of one arm and whisper, charlie mama and pa are still sleeping, it is 5:50, still nighttime.

He shrugs his shoulder and races next to the window where he looks left, looks right. As the sun rises he tells me whether Brad (the man across the street who painted our house recently) is coming or going. He notifies me when the "Sun up" if  "Kids playing" or "Kids playing, No!"

He taps gentle, or sometimes not so gently, on that same window when he sees Pa come home from work (Pa is retired but works a night or two a week, graveyard shift). Charlie has it in his head that only daddy works in this household of 4 adults and so even though we practice saying, "Morning Pa, How was work" It always comes out "Daddy work!"

As the day wears on, just about when all of you are probably starting to roll out of bed and get your first cup of jo, my son hears noises downstairs which mean mama and pa are finally stirring (I mean we have been playing for over 2 hours). 

"Morning Pa, How was your night?" Charlie yells....when asked the same question he says...ahhh right.

My son, the one who loves animals, and is fascinated that mama and pa eat them, so much that if he knows it is happening he stops everything he is doing and jumps onto my mother's lap and gets real close to her plate so that he can "watch with EYES" at what she is eating. Occasionally he says things like MOOOOO and OINK, trying to figure out if the meat on their plate will act like the animal it used to be.

My son, the one who today when I got back from working out ran upstairs and with a twinkle in his eye, said, "Mommy missing you!"

My son, the one who every time I remind him to eat at the table, gently reminds me that "Mommy walk coffee" so shouldn't he be able to walk with food...love that spunk.

My son, who now finishes my sentence, me:charlie i love you......and charlie gets a big grin and says, "sooooo much!"

I had one hard day with my son lately and thought it was over, all the wonderful moments, funny moments, thought that they were long gone. But it was just day, and now we are back to our most magical relationship built on love, support, humor, and fun adventures. Charlie I love you....sooooo much!

Three years down..

My dad reminded me this morning that it is  October 28th, and therefore our wedding anniversay. Three years? Is that all, but we have lived in 4 different places, moved 5 times, and have 2 kids, shouldn't that be in more than 3 years. Oh, but what a fun three years it has been, really. And I am truly lucky to have such a wonderful partner. Adam is compassionate, intelligent, progressive, fun, loving, and very dedicated to his work, wife,  and children.

who would have thought we would get two kids as cute as these in just 3 years of marriage

look at how awesome my hubby is, look at the mo mo he got his son, the way he plays in the backyard daily...all while carrying a  beer, doesn't get much better than this

6 years together

5 moves

4 countries traveled to

3 years married

2 kids

1 dog

0 regrets

love you adam!

a little bit of me

Right now in this very moment I feel good. I have a glass of wine beside me, dinner made, charlie playing in the backyard with adam, and kate crawling all around entertaining herself. Right now in this very moment I can take a deep breath and think to myself, yes I can do this. We will all continue to grow and learn about each other and learn how to live in the most harmonious way. We will keeping getting older and things will get easier, right? Because right now in this very moment I am thinking two kids close together is some hard shit. some real hard shit!

I like to view myself as a playful, compassionate, and skilled mother. And I am sure I still am. But damn charlie has been hard the past few days, and damn I have felt more exhausted, frustrated, and drained than i have in a while. 

like, how nice would a night away with girls be. lots of good food, wine, giggles, maybe a facial or a massage, a full nights sleep, a morning spent sleeping in (and by this I mean later than 630). A night of chatting it up with ellie, jackie, amy, dawn....or my new mommy friends that are so fun...I can name so many women I would love to talk about anything and everything with.

Adam says soon he will be ready to have both kids overnight, maybe in spring...and soon I will be ready to be away from my daughter for more than an hour at a time, this I am sure of.

what is hard for me:

Charlie turning the light on and off on and off about a gizillion times, with my dad somewhat worried about his new light switch ...

charlie banging our nice chair over and over again into the freshly painted wall

Charlie hitting his sister (knock on wood, he hasn't hit her for 3 days)

CHarlie running around like a mad man screaming in pure joy

feeling like anytime i take a moment away from parenting, to...say...do the dishes or make food, I feel an anxious feeling like.....omg what is charlie doing in that room, and what toy is the baby sucking on, no not that crappy plastic toy from  china....

not having the time to exercise, journal, paint, read, or talk on the phone to friends.

not having my sister, my soulmate here to coach me along the way

What is wonderful lately:

The hope that mom will start to improve and that maybe we can figure out what is going on and fix it.

My brother and how close we continue to grow as we support each other through every little thing.

Having my parents a hop, skip and jump away ready to lend a helping hand whenever I need it.

the way charlie says, morning pa, how was your night, and then answers that same question by saying, ahhhh alright!

The way he wants to visit and play with mamma (grandma) three times a day.

the way adam understands my need for alone time and takes charlie on a long bike ride.

the kitchen, oh the kitchen, how i love thee

the relationship i have with my daughter, her wonderful smile that is beaming all day long, her laugh at any and every thing, the way she looks at me with her dark beautiful blue eyes, and the way she loves her brother.

the way charlie turns the beat up loud on his keyboard and rocks out like there is no tomorrow with his door shut and no one looking.

Last week was hands down the hardest week of my life. We have watched my mom fight and struggle through 6 months of being sick, hospitalized twice, on oxygen, and struggling to get better. We have sat at home through countless appointments wondering/worrying/waiting to hear what it is this time, why obstacle will she have to face. When he got that news that a test 5 years ago showed mild pulminary hypertension, we were crushed.

I cried for 2 days straight. 2 days straight. during the day, in the middle of the night, as i fell asleep, and when i first woke up. I had the heaviest heart, tired stinging eyes, and the weight of the world on my shoulders. Playful parenting with patience proved impossible. 

I could dive deep into my emotions and lay it all out here. Tell you everything I felt and feared for 6 days, but maybe I will save that for another day.

What is important is that the condition hasn't progressed in 5 years, we couldn't have asked for more positive news, and every moment I feel a little more at ease, a little more sure that my mother won't be leaving anytime soon.

you must have that person in your life. The one you trust with every thing. The one you tell everything too, and without exception, the person who always responds the way they should, who believes in you, your children, your relationships with those you love. The one who tells you straight up, your are a great mother, friend, daughter. 

The one whom without you seriously question your ability to go.

I felt as if my whole existence/happiness is contingent on my mother being here to guide me along the way.

And so I want to start this blog by saying I am incredibly happy to have my mom here. and while I am still emotionally scarred by the possiblity of not having her here, I am trying to live in this moment.

So much has happened this past week and a half. Kate is mobile, Charlie is as adorable as ever, and I am so full of emotions, thoughts, and experiences that it has been overwhelming

one comforting thought during my week of hell was all the mother type figures in my life who showed up in that one week to offer love, support, and comfort. Julie, 2 debbies, penny, thank you for reaching out to me and to my mom. and to my friends who ran to my side...

and of course my family and adam for the hugs, giving me the time and space to be so deeply sad.

taking a break

A big thanks to all of you who have read my blogs along the way. It has been a source of inspiration and creativity for me. It is fun for me to look back at different posts and think of the emotion/experience/adventure that became the post.

For now I am taking a break. Some emotions and feelings are better kept in one's mind, heart, and soul. 

big kate...oh where or where has my sister gone?

Her strawberry blond hair bounces off her back as she rolls and dances around with c, both bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

Her deep breaths and utter concentration as she goes into a sun salutation and downward dog poses right besides my big boy.

DOME FALL DOWN

ZZZZ, NO AUNT NA

We miss her. C seems to get it, the way she flies into our lives one sunny day, twirls us around and then once again is off to her next place.

So where is she? Digging her deep healing hands into the earth, I am sure. Learning about the cycle of food, water, and the life that surrounds and nourishes us.

Laughing, eating, contemplating life with her dear friend m.

And we wait. Having our own adventures, laughing our own laughs. Looking forward to the day when big kate comes back into our lives. Knowing that when she returns she brings with her new experiences, new wisdom, and new tricks to teach c.

and her first sign appears

just now while standing in my new kitchen baby kate showed me her first sign, as clear as day. She was hungry and in my ergo, I was at the computer thinking ok baby give me one last second to finish reading this article. Then she reached her adorable arm through the ergo and straight towards my face and opened and closed her fist (the milk sign, an easy first sign for babies) as clear as clear can be.

let the signing begin! we want to know what you think about the world around you, little kate!

It's a new me....

So today we move in offiicially. we have been both homeless and with a home for the past 5 days. We moved out of our house (thanks to Adam's parents and Glenn and Megan) but the floors were not yet finished at my parents', so we moved all of our furniture into their backyard, hoping for that sunny Oct. weather we are sometimes lucky enough to have.

4 adults, 2 children, 1 dog, lots of crap, and no kitchen in one small living area turned out to be pretty darn fun. We laughed together, watched political TV, and generally enjoyed each other's company. Pretty impressive considering my dad's back is incredibly painful, my mom is still having difficulty breathing, charlie had a high fever and Kate has been pretty clingy. But as always we made the best of it, and once again I am incredibly thankful for my parents. They have been tolerant and accepting of dirty diapers left on their floors, empty seltzers and glasses of wine left on their furniture, their garage filled to the brim with our crap, leaving the tiniest space for both of my parents to get outside. They have been ok with my clothes strung along the couch, the childrens' toys laid across the floor, and the already small laundry room turned kitchen overcome with our crap.

I have slept on a couch with a baby, shared a double with adam and two sick kids, and eaten out more than I have in the past 5 years. Now I am ready for:

THIS BEAUTIFUL KITCHEN AND ALL THE COOKING AND BAKING THAT COMES ALONG WITH IT

TO SET UP OUR STUFF AND WATCH MY CHILDREN PLAY ON OUR GORGEOUS NEW FLOORS

TO HAVE A PLAY ROOM AND A BEDROOM FOR THE KIDS

HAVE CHARLIE NAPPING IN A QUIET ROOM, AND MAYBE THE BABY TOO (she has been napping on my back which is cozy and nice but my back has been hurting lately)

START ART PROJECTS WITH CHARLIE

TRULY GO THROUGH OUR CRAP AND GET RID OF WHAT WE ABSOLUTELY DONT NEED

So I feel as if I have come into my own, and this is even after waking up with 2 kid ready to play at 5 in the am.