Last week was hands down the hardest week of my life. We have watched my mom fight and struggle through 6 months of being sick, hospitalized twice, on oxygen, and struggling to get better. We have sat at home through countless appointments wondering/worrying/waiting to hear what it is this time, why obstacle will she have to face. When he got that news that a test 5 years ago showed mild pulminary hypertension, we were crushed.

I cried for 2 days straight. 2 days straight. during the day, in the middle of the night, as i fell asleep, and when i first woke up. I had the heaviest heart, tired stinging eyes, and the weight of the world on my shoulders. Playful parenting with patience proved impossible. 

I could dive deep into my emotions and lay it all out here. Tell you everything I felt and feared for 6 days, but maybe I will save that for another day.

What is important is that the condition hasn't progressed in 5 years, we couldn't have asked for more positive news, and every moment I feel a little more at ease, a little more sure that my mother won't be leaving anytime soon.

you must have that person in your life. The one you trust with every thing. The one you tell everything too, and without exception, the person who always responds the way they should, who believes in you, your children, your relationships with those you love. The one who tells you straight up, your are a great mother, friend, daughter. 

The one whom without you seriously question your ability to go.

I felt as if my whole existence/happiness is contingent on my mother being here to guide me along the way.

And so I want to start this blog by saying I am incredibly happy to have my mom here. and while I am still emotionally scarred by the possiblity of not having her here, I am trying to live in this moment.

So much has happened this past week and a half. Kate is mobile, Charlie is as adorable as ever, and I am so full of emotions, thoughts, and experiences that it has been overwhelming

one comforting thought during my week of hell was all the mother type figures in my life who showed up in that one week to offer love, support, and comfort. Julie, 2 debbies, penny, thank you for reaching out to me and to my mom. and to my friends who ran to my side...

and of course my family and adam for the hugs, giving me the time and space to be so deeply sad.