Missing my Mom

My mom is my best friend. There is a reason I moved back to hmb to start a family, and there is a reason I plan to stay. Throughout my life my mom has been a constant source of companionship, strength, humor, love, and support. As a kid she was the most gentle, fun, loving, wonderful mom a kid could ask for. She treated me with the utmost respect and loved every part of me. She loved the part of me that decided at age 10 to stop eating animals. She loved the part of  me that organized a walk-out during high school and led a group of students on a march holding signs that said things like, "Bring Bud Back" She loved me despite the fact that I had to mediate every argument or dilemna that ever faced our family (not that there were that many, but I had to be in the middle of everything). She was and continues to be a true model to stellar parenting. If I could be half as good to my children as she has been to me, I will do just fine.

As an adult our relationship has evolved into a beautiful friendship. I confide in her my everyday challenges and triumphs. I share my fears and dreams. She never judges who I am or aspire to be. She just listens. And listens. And listens. And those who know me know I talk, and I talk fast, often, and a lot. And she is always there to listen.

You should see the way she loves, and I mean LOVES my children. She can't even go one day without seeing them. And she lights up when she sees charlie. Charlie runs straight towards her, climbs up her chair, plants himself of her lap and the chatting begins. Baby Kate looks like a beautiful mix of my mom and me, a perfect third generation. I look into her eyes and I see the calm, beautiful nature of my mother. From the moment I told my mom I was pregnant AGAIN (mind you Charlie was still a baby himself at only 10 months) the biggest grin spread across my moms face, and she gave me a fist pump and said YES. She spent the next four months listening to her tearful daughter express all the concerns and fears of having another child so soon. She assured me during a hard time in my life that this baby will be another blessing, a wonderful addition to our perfect little family. Once again she was right. The confidence she exuded during that first trimester when I was plagued with exhaustion, worry, and terrible morning sickness, carried me through.

And I miss her.

I miss telling her every little thing that happens to me throughout the day.

I miss calling her first thing in the morning to tell her how my kids slept that night.

I miss walking over to her house every morning and handing her one of my children so I can tend to the other.

I miss her smile, her laugh, her zest for life, even though her life isn't easy.

I miss her.

She'll come back, hopefully soon, but for now she feels so far away. 

I suck, and you want to know why because I brought my sick son to her house. I brought my kids there because I needed help taking care of a baby and a very sick toddler. I was selfish. And now we are all paying for it...because of my ways my mom lays in a hospital bed, hooked up to oxygen, uncomfortable in that damn hospital bed.

And she's fighter, we all know that. She has fought hard her whole life. And despite the difficult cards she has been dealt, she is the most inspirational, positive, and selfless woman I know. And I miss her. And I love her.