She's been gone way too long

I cried last night, a nice good hard cry, probably lasted all of 9 minutes. It was the first time I really had the time to stop and cry alone. It started around 8 right after I somehow managed to get both kids to sleep at the same time in a very small bed on the floor. Baby Kate was nursing on my left, charlie was as close as he could be on my right, and with one hand I held a large Richard Scarry book and read it to Charlie despite the fact that the lights were already out and we couldn't really see the book. We pretty much know that book by heart.

I came out of Charlie's room, handed the baby to adam and finally got a moment to sit down to a nice bowl of hot veggie stew and a large glass of wine. I started to read a book, when it all of a sudden hit me that I got three letters from my sister in the mail. 

These aren't your ordinary I am fine How are you letters. These letters are magical, they are powerful poetic words that shed light on my sister's soul. They lift me up and fly me to the distant land where she resides. I can hear her voice and feel so close to what she is experiencing that I can almost reach out and touch her. I read one sentence and sniffed (I was eating spicy stew and my nose runs when I eat spicy stuff), and adam off in the corner smiles and rolls his eyes and says you are already crying? I thought, no way, why would I cry, this is heaven, my kids are asleep after a very long day, I have a great meal in front of me, endless wine, and three count them (Due, that this....charlies numbers) three letters from Kate.

Sure enough as I finished the second one the tears started flowing. This is the sentence that got me.

Every night I dream of you and Charlie. Its really true. And then I wake each day a world away.

And it hit me, and hit me hard. 

She is literally a world away. 

The person I have known almost my entire life. The girl I played with growing up. The one who used to have mom and dad buy her candy and then  turn around and sell it to me for twice the price. The girl who sat next to me at the dinner table and giggled until we drove my dad nuts. The woman who danced next to be at festivals, shows, and gatherings, and never laughed at my new and exciting moves. The creative one who was always finding and perfecting a new art. The one who watched my son for over a year, teaching him to dance, explore, yoga, blow feathers, run, and just be. The one who coached me through both pregnancies giving me massages and comfort and support. The women who stood by my side throughout both long births, always believing in me and my strength. She is a world away, and that hurts.

She comes back in...lets see in 15 days. The day charlie turns 23 months, and Kate almost 4. And I will cherish every moment I get to spend with her before she leaves for her next adventure.

Last night I dreamt about her all night long. I dreamt she was here for a few days, I dreamt that I flew to Vietnam to see the world she is living in right now, It felt so real. I showed her my new jeans and asked if they were too tight. She showed me all the beautiful goods she has collected through her travels. We played with my kids, it felt so real. It was real.

And then when I woke up this morning, she was a world away.