My sweetest daughter

Here goes.

I look into my daughter's deep blue eyes and see myself. I see 

innocence (not that I am innocent by any stretch of the imagination). I see beauty. I see this little being learning to exist in a sometimes confusing and harsh world.

When I look into my daughters big blue eyes I see a calmness so rich 

and soothing. I see a little... just being.

it was exactly a year ago that I peed on that little stick and found

 out that i was once again pregnant. i had a wedding to go to t

he next day and i had this feeling that maybe my body was starting to make another being again, and i didn't want to drink if that was the case. the honest truth is i had been thinking about having another child, watching her/him grow inside me once more for a few months now. crazy, right? it could happen to you. charlie was 6 months when these strange thoughts starting creeping into my mind.

i love you so much charlie, you bring a sense of adven

ture and this enormous amount of personal reflection into my life why wouldn't i want to do it again (mind you this is a 6 month old charlie, the cuddly, still sleeping somewhat well, immobile charlie. he isnt the walking, talking, waking up every 45 minutes charlie he grew into once his sister was here.

and although i probably mentioned it to adam every day, this powerful draw to get preg

nant again, we honestly weren't trying. lets be honest peops, i am fertile, really fertile.

so when i found out i was pregnant my first emotion was happiness, excitement, and basic glee.

but then it came crashing all down...how would i return to 

teaching? how would i manage two? would this take away from charlie? i cant do it, i dont want to it, and i feel like shit, like shit, like absolute too tired to think, tired of puking, i cant run after m

y son SHIT.

time passed, my mom coached me daily, reminding me that I will once again get energy, feel great, and no matter what I will move forward with my life, i always have.

so now I sit here. beer down by my feet, dinner all made and ready to eat. charlie and adam frolicking somewhere outside the way they always do after wor

k, 

and i glance at my baby next to me, my three month old baby, and nothing but complete harmony takes over. this is it. i think i have found balance even amidst an unbalanced, packed to the brim day.

she is so sweet. her chubby cheeks, double chin, little toes, grasping fingers, huge grin, huge grin, huge grin. her sweet blue eyes. they way she just discovered her arms and stairs at them moving them in front of her. the way she breaks out into th

biggest smile when she sees me, the way she grabs onto my breast with her little hand on nurses so softly. the way she fits up against my body for naps and nightime. the way she looks at her daddy, the best daddy ever.

and i love her with every ounce of my existence, we were made for each other. she brings me peace in a very unpeaceful world. she brings me a sense of quiet in a world where her brother never stops talking/screeching. she brings me a slow sense of being that I have only ever found into two places: traveling, and butano.

and she reminds me of my sister.